Now I really wished I hadn’t answered the phone. “Not really, Lot. It was what? Nine years ago?”
“Today. Nine years ago today.”
I’d been twenty when we broke up. Too young for any relationship. That Lotte and I had managed to stay together for two years was testament to both of us being more comfortable in front of a computer screen than in a night club, so we didn’t meet anyone else. I fucking hoped she had too. I was not then what I hoped I was now.
“I’m not sure if there’s a card to celebrate that, Lotte.” I knew it was a fly comment.
“There isn’t.”
I sighed. “Is everything okay with the programme?” I had a feeling that everything was fine with the programme, and that this was about something going on in her life rather than me not being there.
“Everything’s fine. I just feel like I’m being left to manage it all.”
“You do manage it all.” I had no guilt about this; I’d offered to sell my shares, suggested we hire or promote more senior people to help Lotte out. She’d said no to both.
There were a few seconds of silence. “Maybe I need to hire someone.”
“I’m happy with that.” I relaxed a little. “Do you have anyone in mind?”
There was another silence. “Will you come over to interview if I do the shortlisting?”
“If it’s when the season’s over.”
Lotte was trying to use the silent treatment to get me to agree.
“I have a commitment. I don’t have the time to fly over. You know this and if it’s becoming more of a problem, buy me out.” I was becoming less keen to have this conversation right now. “I’ll speak to my solicitor in the morning.”
“No. I don’t want you to leave, Ryan. I want you more involved.” The slight accent to her words that told English wasn’t her first language slipped out. She was emotional.
“Has something happened? Because you know – you’ve always known – that I don’t want to be a full-time partner. That’s not going to change.” I said the words as kindly as I could.
I heard a voice in the background but couldn’t work out who it might be or where she was.
“I didn’t think that nine years ago, when we broke up, I wouldn’t meet anyone else. I thought by now I’d be with someone seriously. Living together. Maybe engaged. Thinking about having a family. None of that’s happened, for either of us.”
Now I really didn’t like where this was going. I could be the sympathetic friend, but the outcome of that would be her relying on me for something that I couldn’t give.
“I’m sorry, Lotte. I’m cool with where my life is up to, so I don’t think I’m the best person to talk to about this.” I hated myself for brushing her off.
“I get it. I know you’re good with what you do, Ryan. I just thought that maybe there was a chance of… being more than friends again? Now we’re older. If you sold your half of the business and we were friends again instead of partners? What would happen then?”
I’d heard the desperation in her voice. The need.
“I don’t know. Maybe the only reason we’re in touch is because of work. We haven’t known each other as more than that in years.”
I heard her sigh and I felt like the world’s biggest dickhead. That response wasn’t what she’d been looking for.
“Could we get to know each other again, Ryan? What do you think?”
I closed my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Lotte. I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
She hung up without replying and I lay back down on my bed, switching off my phone and praying that I’d find sleep from somewhere.
CHAPTER12
Otter
