She’d never ask me to stay; she’d never push on me what she wanted me to do. I’d asked her once why she never told either of us what she wanted from us, and her response was that was because it was how she’d grown up, there to meet other people’s expectations. The only expectations she wanted us to meet were our own.
“I want to get over there and settle in. And it’s a few years since I’ve been to New York – I want to get to know the place again before my course starts. It’s going to be intense.” I’d seen the programme – I’d be lucky to have time to do anything other than study and design.
She smiled that smile, and nodded. “I wish we had you here for longer, but I understand what you have to do.”
“Thank you. And you will visit?”
“Of course. I’ve told your father to find somewhere with four bedrooms. I think he wants to buy rather than rent.”
“He said as much. Maybe we could have Christmas in New York.”
“That would be amazing. When are you saying goodbye to Tommy?”
I looked over at the pool, the surface of the water almost perfectly still. I wished for that same stillness.
“I haven’t told him yet I’m leaving.”
“You must. You can’t have him turning up here to find you gone.”
I nodded. “He knows I’m going. That was part of the deal – it was always temporary.”
“Deals change, Jay Jay. Sometimes without you agreeing to the terms.” There was an edge to her voice.
Since that night, Lawrie hadn’t returned. His belongings had been cleared away, discreetly, as everything was when Livi wanted it to be. The traces of him being part of Livi’s family for the last few years were undetectable.
“What happened with you and Lawrie?”
“We grew apart. If I’d have known it would’ve affected you the way it has, I’d have ended things a lot earlier. It was a mistake on my part to trust him the way I did, or even to trust me to know what he was capable of. I thought more of him, and I was wrong.”
“You don’t like being wrong.”
She shook her head, not looking at me. “I’ll be more cautious. Careful.”
“But you loved him once. I know you did.”
Her smile wasn’t one I’d seen before, her mask slipping, and I wondered who comforted her when she shed those tears. For the first time, I saw that chink in my mother’s armour, and I wanted to make it better. “Mum…”
“You haven’t called me that for years.”
“That’s who you are. My mum. Lala’s too. It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.”
Her smile was sweet, tender. “I don’t need to be perfect. I have you for that.”
I laughed. ‘I’m not perfect.”
“You are, Jameson. To me, you and Lala are the most perfect beings in this world. I don’t think I tell you that enough.”
We were silent for a moment, neither quite knowing what to say, the moment needing to be preserved.
“You know, people change, and you either change in a way that you remain the same span apart or the distance between you increases. And sometimes you move apart and then back closer. Sometimes you find that person that is always where you need them to be. Lawrie wasn’t that.”
“But you and Gav are.”
Her expression was different this time, she couldn’t mask what she usually hid.
“Are you back together?” I knew from Daisy that Gav and Daisy’s mum had separated. She was seeing someone else back in London, another reason why Daisy was rebelling when she could.
“I’m not sure. I’m not sure we were ever that apart. Sometimes I do think that there is that one person to whom you’ll always gravitate back towards. Like planets on their orbits. It’s about being in the right place at the right time.” She stood up. “I’m going to go through some vinyasas if you want to join me. But if you don’t, go find your bartender. You have things to talk about.”
