I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to see Cassie because that would mean she was real and actually here. We’d bumped into each other in chambers a couple of weeks ago and it’d been as awkward as hell. She’d reached out to touch my arm at one point and I’d pulled it back like a shark was about to bite it.
“Could we grab a coffee?”
I had to look at her now. A couple of people in the open plan office had turned to look at us. Cassie wasn’t quiet; she never had been. Her volume was set to ‘look at me’ mode continuously. At first, I’d found this vibrant, fun. She’d been exciting and I’d loved how busy and social we were together. She’d been a party girl. I had no idea if she still was – a couple of months after we finally split, I deleted her off all my social media and I’d never been tempted to look at what she was doing. I wasn’t interested.
“I have a meeting to get to. How come you’re here?” I turned my volume down, hoping she’d follow suit.
She looked surprised. “Oh. I thought we could catch up. It’s been a long time. I’ve missed you.”
The rules of social interaction suggested I should be polite back. Tell her I’d missed her or make an alternative arrangement. I wasn’t about to start following them now.
“I don’t want to catch up, to be honest. And I haven’t missed you, so I’d prefer it if you did whatever you need to here and leave.” I made sure to keep my words as quiet as possible, not wanting the secretary sat nearby to overhear and make this today’s office gossip.
“Oh. That’s a bit harsh, Seph.” She shook her head and I saw her eyes look glazed.
Cassie wasn’t a crier. In all the time we’d been together, I’d seen her cry three times and each time I’d doubted that those tears were real. Cassie dealt with shit by going out and partying, finding something else to laugh about, or at. She had few regrets and forgave easily – which was a good thing, I supposed, but she expected to be forgiven in the same way.
“It’s true. Do you have anything else you need to do here?” She shouldn’t even be in this room. We had a series of meeting and conference rooms, a couple of which came off the area where most of the admin team sat, but these were for internal use, not for solicitors from the other side.
She shook her head and managed a smile. “No. I was hoping to see you.”
“I’ll walk you out.”
I wasn’t messing. I knew I was behaving like an utter arsehole, but if I was in any way nice to Cassie, she’d take it as encouragement, and I didn’t want to encourage her.
“It would be great to catch up sometime. It’s been years since we’ve talked.” She gave me another beaming smile when we got through the office doors into the reception area.
I shook my head. “I really, really wish you all the best, but I don’t want to catch up or try to rehash anything from the past. I’ve moved on and I’ve no intention of moving back.” The words sounded bitter even to me.
She shook her head, her hand coming out to touch my arm again. I pulled away and took a step back.
“When we saw each other in chambers the other week, it felt like old times, only we’ve both grown up. Don’t you think it’s worth just a coffee? We were together so long, Seph…”
I shook my head. “We were together too long. I’m seeing someone else and it’s serious.”
“Oh.” Her face fell.
I didn’t feel any guilt or sympathy.
“Who?”
“It doesn’t matter, Cassie.”
She gave me a smile that was mainly sad.
“Good luck with it then. And if you change your mind, you still have my number.” She touched my shoulder. I felt nothing. No twinge of guilt or even a wave of fondness given that we had some good times.
I didn’t have her number. I deleted it about three days after Payton came back from Manchester, when I realised that when I next got drunk, I’d probably send her some ridiculous message. But I wasn’t going to tell her that; not to spare her feelings, but because I didn’t want to lengthen the conversation.
“Good luck in the future, Cassie.” My smile was forced. I gave her a nod and headed back inside to the sanctuary of my office.
“How doyou feel about take-out tonight?” I put my pen down and looked across the office at Georgia. She’d twisted her hair up and put a pen in, and I couldn’t quite take my eyes off her long enough. I was desperate to take that pen out and watch her hair cascade down her back, and then maybe pull it around my hand.
She didn’t look up. “I think I’m going to have an early night.”
That sounded like a brush off. I’d heard Vic use that on Max once when he’d been a dick over something. She’d then locked him out of their bedroom, cue him panicking, then becoming stubborn and turning into a growling mess for two days.
“I promised Rose I’d help her with her maths homework. Do you still want me to come round to do that?” Georgia could be in a mood with me as much as she wanted, but that didn’t mean I’d let Rose down if she was expecting me.
