She had the grace to look uncomfortable. “Well, yeah.”
“Did Claire pass on her honesty pills for pregnant women?” Payton was blunt, but never this much. That was our elder sister, Claire’s job.
She rolled her eyes. “We love you, Joseph, and we don’t want you to change, but everyone worries about you. Especially now.”
I frowned. “Why now? I’m working really hard. I’m not out partying every night. I haven’t hooked up with a random woman for months…”
“That’s why we’re worried about you. We’re worried you’re notenjoying yourself. Apart from Max. He’s hoping this phase lasts because your billing hours are through the roof.”
“Good to know the hard work’s appreciated.” I leaned back in the chair. “And that you lot still care.” I gave her a half smile because I knew she’d be feeling like shit right now. We were twins and we’d always pretty much gotten along well. If I had news, she’d be the first person I told, and apart from Owen now taking first place, vice versa. “But I needed a change and I’m sick of being the party boy who can’t be relied on.”
“We do rely on you, Seph. You make everyone smile. You’re fun and energetic and you see the best in everyone. You’re the antithesis of Max.” Her smile was back.
“I know.” I didn’t lack confidence. I knew my strengths. “But I want to be more. I’m jealous that everyone but me has the beginnings of their own family, and I know that means meeting anyone right now would be stupid. I love being an uncle and I know I’d like my own kids – I’m just not in the right place right now for that to happen.”
Her nod this time was slow. “You need to grow up.”
“I need to be able to take myself seriously and not feel as if I live in my brothers’ shadows. That’s the problem when you’re in a family of massively successful people. It’s hard to find a podium you think you deserve.” Saying the words felt like a weight was flying off my shoulders. “I want to be a success in my own right.”
“You already are.”
She wiped at her eyes.
“Shit, Payts, I didn’t mean to upset you. Owen’ll kill me.” I leaned over the table to wipe at her cheeks, just as I had when we were kids and Shelly Davis had called her every name under the sun because I wouldn’t go out with her.
“I cry at anything. Hormones. I cried on Owen last night and that was because I’d finished the book I was reading.” Her jaw clenched.
“Lucky Owen.”
“I know. Maybe you need to take him for a night out. He’s stressed with the stores at the moment – one of his managers has left – and he then spends his evenings trying to look after me. And you know I’m not good at being looked after.”
All the more reason for her never to know that I reported back to Owen on whether or not she’d managed to eat regularly. If she knew, we’d be her next meal.
“I know. You’re pretty good at looking after yourself.”
Her eyes filled up again, then hardened, as if a fast frost had just hit. “You’ve sworn off dating haven’t you?”
I bit my thumb nail.
“Seph, when’s the last time you slept with someone?”
I shrugged.
“Bullshit. Men always know the answer to that. Unless you’re Shay.”
I shrugged again.
Then winced as she kicked me in the shin.
“Before the trip to Iceland.” Which was six months ago.
“Youcanhave someone who you see casually, you know. It doesn’t have to be serious, just dinner dates and sleepovers. You don’t need to be planning to marry them or move in together.” She wiped her hands on a napkin. “I miss coffee.”
“You can have lots of it after you’ve given birth. I’m sure Jackson can recommend a few brands.” I’d already thought about what she’d said. Getting women to go on a date wasn’t a problem. I knew I hadn’t fallen off the ugly tree, and my job was like honey – well paid and fairly prominent. But a lot of dates would turn into grade one clingers, or only be interested in me as arm candy or for what I could buy them. I’d had a string of encounters with an older woman, but it turned out she was just using me for sex, which did not make me feel good. “Finding someone interested in that isn’t that easy, Payts. I’m not saying I’m becoming a monk, or I have a time set for being celibate, but I want to be ready for something more.”
“You’re just worried that you’ll cling to the first person who sparks something in you.”
“Yep.” There was nothing more to be said on the matter. It was a fear I knew was deep rooted now, that I’d fall for someone because I couldn’t be on my own and not because they were it for me.
