Home is a place that’s invented. It’s been a bunk in a dorm and a shed in the middle of nowhere. It’s been a house where I felt like meat and a garden where I would sit in all weathers.
But the place that’s been home the most is the stone walls of the castle where I found myself after my mother had died and we had nothing left except resentment and empty dreams.
I push through the wooden door that’s reinforced with steel and feel the warmth of the nearby fires filtering through to the hallway. It isn’t quiet, but it’s muted, as if the people in the place are trying to let the others sleep or rest.
The cook notices me as I slip down the hallways, giving me a nod and a cheeky wink. I say a few words to keep her happy as I head up one of the back sets of stairs to the suite that feels safe and mine.
I haven’t heard from Blair or Isaac although I know Isaac is here this weekend, seeing his sister and her fiancé, but there are no plans for drinks or meals or the socialising that sometimes happens.
Just quiet.
Peace.
Hedda’s words resonate in my head even though I try to give them no space. I need peace there too.
My rooms are empty, no Blair, no Isaac. I jump in the shower and turn the heat up high, washing away the grime of travelling, the dirt I feel from Majken and Hedda and conversations I didn’t want to have.
When I’m dry, I head to Blair’s rooms, wanting to see her, maybe Isaac too. I hear them before I open the door, words about a book they’ve both read, innocuous words that aren’t life or death or a war that could be internal.
Blair’s curled up on a chair when I enter without knocking. Isaac is sitting next to her, his feet bare, sweatpants and a T-shirt that pulls across his chest.
“I didn’t know you were back.” She gets out of her chair and comes over to me.
I don’t know what to do. When I’ve come home before she’s been in bed or she’s come to me once I’m in bed. This is different. She’s pleased to see me and I’ve not had this before.
“Ben.”
My name on her lips grounds me.
Then my arms are around her and I pull her into my chest, feeling her heat combine with mine and smell her body lotion. I close my eyes and I don’t want to let her go.
“I saw Majken and my aunt.”
“Oh?” She pulls back so she can see my face. “Were they okay?”
I feel Isaac looking at me from over my shoulder. He knows, knows enough about Majken and he knows Blair is unaware of everything my sister is.
No one knows about Hedda, except Majjie.
Secrets I carry with me.
“They were fine.” I pull her to me and kiss her head. Her warmth and familiarity and comfort.
“Are you okay, Ben?” Isaac’s voice is velvet.
“Just about. Glad to be back.” I hear the hitch in my words and then I see Isaac standing up and coming towards us. He’s dark against the light from the lamp as he stands behind Blair.
His eyes are focused on mine and he asks with them, wanting to know if he’s welcome or if this is more than the sex we’ve shared before.
I nod.
Then he’s there and pressing his forehead against mine above Blair’s head, his chest against her back and she’s sandwiched in between the pair of us.
Isaac’s lips find mine before I find his and his kiss is rough and slow. I wonder if he saves his tenderness for Blair.
She’s looking up at us as we break the kiss and her smile his curious and asking.
“Is it like kissing me?”
