I check my phone and see a list of emails that need attention. There are messages from Majjie and Blair and Isaac.
It’s Isaac’s I open first.
I haven’t seen him in too long and I don’t know how to fucking feel about it. I want to pretend he hasn’t gotten under my skin or that I think about him in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
But nothing here is fucking simple.
Are you around?
It’s a simple message. I send it as I’m pulling on a T-shirt and staring out at the cement grey that is this country’s capital. I miss the loch and the mountains. I miss the eagles and the lullaby of the waves as they hit the shore.
I want to go home.
Isaac’s message is brief:Are you around?
Yes.
A wave of sharps that could mutilate me washes across every plain of skin, because I know what he’s asking.
Am I available for a fuck.
This isn’t something I’ve considered before because the answer’s usually yes. There isn’t usually someone to consider.
I press a number on my phone and listen to the faux noises as they dial. Blair answers, sounding sleepy.
“Isaac wants to see me.”
She murmurs and I think I hear her stretch.
“I need to know what we are.”
It isn’t a request I’ve made before and I don’t know my reaction to any response. I don’t know what her response will be.
“You mean you’re not just seeing him for a beer and a meal?” There are still sleep and dreams in her voice.
“I don’t know. Maybe not.” But the brevity of his question tells me it wasn’t business.
“What do you want us to be, Ben?” She sounds more awake now, less groggy. Her voice is silken and drizzling with sex.
“I don’t know what I can give you. But I can give you a promise I won’t cheat.”
“Cheating implies we’re in a relationship.”
I’m silent. Not sure what to say because this is a minefield I’ve never had to clear before.
“Ben, if I slept with someone else, what would you do?”
Again, silence.
“Okay, this isn’t helping.” I hear her sit up, the silk in her voice evaporated.
“I wouldn’t like it.”
“What about when Isaac kissed me?”
I didn’t know what the truth was to tell her. I didn’t know how I felt. “What did you think about Isaac and me?”
“Back then – it wasn’t like it is now. No, Ben. I don’t know.”
