He laughs as if it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard.
“Ben, do you seriously mean that? If so, this conversation’s moot.”
I look out of the window at the loch and the mountains that surrounded it. Then I thought of my mother and Majken.
“I might not be able to.
He gives one nod. “Can you promise me you’ll look after her?”
I’ve always known what I was. The son of a gardener and a boy whose mother died when he was too young. We had little money and survived on kindness.
I’ve always known I was a liar.
“Yes. I’ll look after her.”
Eleven Years Earlier
I find her in the maze where I knew she’d be. She’s pretending to read but the look of annoyance on her pretty face tells me she’s been waiting for me and in her mind, she’s been waiting too long.
Something in my chest hurts when I see her. She’s still blonde and petite, and currently furious.
“I didn’t know you’d still be here.”
“I was reading.”
Like fuck she was but I know better than to laugh or smile.
“I’m glad you’re still here.” And I mean it. I don’t know what I’d do if she hadn’t been. Don’t know how I’d manage without one final goodbye.
“Where’ve you been?”
“Long story.” Several weeks too long and it’s only going to get longer. I know I should tell her; she’ll hate me forever for not telling her but if I do, she’ll wait for me.
“Try me.”
I sit down next to her and as much as I want to, I can’t not touch her. I put my hand on her waist, sliding it just under her top. I shouldn’t touch her, but there’s no way shouldn’t is going to work today, not when it’s the last time.
“I’m leaving tomorrow.” I shouldn’t have come back at all, but I couldn’t do that.
“What do you mean? Leaving tomorrow?” She sounds panicked.
I hate myself then, more than any time before, even when I was doing things that I couldn’t erase from my head.
“I’ve signed up to the army and I head out for training tomorrow.” I move her so I can touch her more because it’s the only thing I have to fucking give. A few cheap orgasms and I won’t take more for myself because I don’t deserve it.
“You’re joking.” It isn’t a question.
I slide my hands up the front of her T-shirt and feel her breasts, kissing her neck. Her skin is soft and firm and I harden instantly. If I could have one night of being inside her I’d die happy at some point, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to be her first.
“I’ll be back when I’m on leave.”
“You’ll meet other girls.”
I suck hard on her skin, hard enough to leave a mark. My mark. “Not like you.” Because no one else like her exists.
“Don’t go.” It’s the only time anyone has asked me to stay.
I undo the front fastener on her bra and her tits come free, her T-shirt now out of the way. I pinch at her nipples that are already hard, rosy and large. I’ve seen tits before but Blair’s are the ones I jack off to. They’re the ones I want to bury my head in for the rest of my days. I could stay. Stay and just be with her, even if it’s as her secret forever.
