“You don’t.”
He sighs, sounding exhausted. “Blair… it’s complicated.”
I won’t beg. I never did it as a child and I won’t now. Instead I untangle myself from him and pull on my bra and top. “It doesn’t have to be, but it’s your choice. I guess we just feel differently.”
He doesn’t say anything as I dress. I don’t look back as I walk away. The years we spent apart were long but I survived them.
I’ll survive this as well.
September
We know that in September, we will wander through the warm winds of summer's wreckage. We will welcome summer's ghost.– Henry Rollins
Chapter Seventeen
“On black please.” I pass the croupier my chips and she accepts without a glance. My hair is black and to my chin, my fringe heavy and thick. I don’t look like me, so for a night I can just be a woman who wants to blow off some steam at a casino.
Black comes up and the croupier passes me the chips, saying nothing. The people around me pay no attention to the woman on the stool, wearing cropped black jeans and a cream vest top, a jacket pulled over to add some warmth. The atmosphere is muted.
A man at the same table gives me the odd glance, and I suspect he’s interested in starting up a conversation. He followed me over from where I played twenty-one, which the couple of security detail that have come out tonight will have picked up on.
“Black again.”
The wheel spins.
“I’ve heard there’s an agreement being discussed. If it’s done, the tax on the shipments will increase. It could put us out of business.” A man behind me is talking too loudly and I suspect he’s had more than enough to drink.
“It’s Lennox. I heard that he’s pretty much running everything instead of the King now. I was never in favour of going back to having a monarch. What happened to a democracy? Voting in a party to lead on our behalf.” His friend is equally riled.
“Need all of them to be fucking blown up. When Lennox ends up in charge he’ll have us back joining England too. Then we’ll have even less say. Seriously, I might just fucking move abroad.” The man slurs, but his sentiment is clear.
I feel a presence behind me. I’m not concerned about safety; the two men inside the casino are good and there are more of the team around other areas of the building. I don’t turn round to see who it is, so it’s the voice that unnerves me.
“I hope you’re not paying attention. There’s no agreement. I can assure you of that.”
It’s deep and rich and reassuring. Distinctly English, with soft vowels and a lilt I've heard in dreams I’ve tried to forget.
I turn around slowly, ignoring the loss the table has taken from me. Isaac is there, not looking like himself. Battered jeans and a worn T-shirt. The usual shadow on his jaw is now a beard but the eyes are the same.
I think of Ben and I feel guilt, then pain. The hollowness inside hasn’t shrunk in the last week. I know he’s aware of pretty much wherever I am. He can find me if he wants.
But he hasn’t.
He didn’t mind if I kissed Isaac.
I see Isaac’s high cheekbones, firm jaw. Eyes that remind me of bedrooms and being woken up with the birds just to have sex.
“Do my security know you’re here?”
He nods. “I let them know.”
“How did you know where to find me?”
“I asked.”
“Who did you ask?”
“Ben.”
