I looked away. I hadn’t analysed it. We’d been busy on placement, come home, curled up in front of the fire and chilled, with the chilling ending up with us heating each other up.
“I didn’t think.”
He looked away from me, that thing he did when he didn’t know how to verbalise what he felt.
“Can’t we just carry on as we are and see what happens? This placement has been amazing and I don’t want this between us to stop.”
“Will you be my girlfriend then? Put a label on what this is?”
“Why? I don’t get this? You’ve never wanted more than just friendship and sex from anyone before.”
“So if we start sleeping together that’s all you want? You wouldn’t be arsed if I fucked someone else.”
I looked at the fireplace, not able to make eye contact. I couldn’t see the hurt I knew would be on his face because right now he was offering me something he’d never given anyone, not even his father.
“I can’t talk about this.”
“Can’t or won’t?” He stood up, hands outreached, pleading with his body if not with his words.
I hated myself right then more than at any other time in my life, more that when I’d walked away from Jonah, more that when I refused to leave my house for three months when my OCD had been at its worse and made my mother sob.
“I don’t think I can.”
He pushed his fingers through his hair and stared at me, his gaze piercing. “Because I’m too much of a gamble?”
“Because I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle everything you’ll give.”
“Fuck it. Fuck you not being strong enough, Wren. That’s bullshit.” He backed away towards the doors. “I can’t be here right now. I can’t pretend to understand. All I know is you’re not the person I thought.”
I tightened up into my ball and pinched the skin on my legs, needing the pain, needing something to take the focus off what had just happened.
I heard him leave, the door slam.
Then the tears started and I sobbed.
* * *
The next fewdays became a blur. We were up early, out before sunrise, trekking over to a sanctuary ninety minutes away where they were capturing and micro chipping rhinos to help prevent poaching and giving general health checks. It was well timed, as they needed the extra pairs of hands and it meant that the camera crew could get some amazing footage.
By the time we got back to the lodges, it was past sundown and I was exhausted from the work, which was more physical that I had been recently used to, and from pretending that everything was normal with Callum. Or as normal as it could be.
It was the last night by the lake and I was sitting outside with a glass of wine, thankful that we had a slightly later start in the morning before driving back to Harare to catch a flight to Tanzania.
I was in a world of my own, looking up at the stars and trying to map them when I caught the scent of Jaime’s perfume. I liked her, after initially being wary. She got stuck in as much as she could and she was phenomenal in front of the cameras. We’d shot a few scenes together and she’d made it feel easy, even though we’d had a semi-script to follow.
“How’s it going?”
“I’m enjoying it. I didn’t realise I’d be able to help as much as we’ve been able to the last few days. I thought it would’ve been all about getting footage.”
She smiled. “This team is pretty genuine. They’ve spent a fortune on this programme so far, with what they’ve donated.”
She was right. More kit had been delivered today for us to donate to the local reserves, some of which had breeding programs.
“But that wasn’t what I meant. I wondered how things were with you and Callum.”
I tried to read her, but she was a master at keeping her emotions hidden. “Look, if you’re sleeping together then it’s none of my business…”
The laugh she expelled was loud and tuneful. “He turned me down. And I’m not enough of a dick to think that no man would turn me down – it’s happened before and it’ll happen again – but he looks at you whenever he gets the chance.”
