“When it came down to it. I knew you better at the time. We were on the same placements, Jonah was away – we’d grown apart, or I thought we had.”
He turned back to me, eyes gleaming. He looked calmer than I ever remembered, as if he understood something more about the world, or himself.
“He didn’t think that.”
“I know. I knew then. I think I knew before, before that winter.”
“But you were used to having people in love with you.” Because that was what they did, because he’d never love them back.
He shook his head. “It was never about me. I’ve told myself that for years.”
I knew he wasn’t referring to our days at university or after, he was going much further back to the mother he’d never really known and his father. Everything with Callum stemmed back to that root. He still hadn’t managed to see the blossom and the leaves and the air he’d created.
“I think you underestimate yourself. Why did you think I ended it with Jonah?” There was no point in giving him the pep talk, not right now. Another time.
“Distance. Age – you’d changed and so had he. None of us were the same people like when we first met.”
“Did you ever sleep with him?” It was something I’d wanted to know since then, since I’d realised.
“No. We jerked each other off pretty much. I never actually went the whole way with another man. There were only three I messed around with, including Jonah., and then my curiosity was satisfied.”
“What were you curious about?” I’d experimented, after university, with guys and a couple of girls. Vanilla had never been my flavour.
“How it felt. What I liked. It was never about the gender – more about the person and how they were.” His eyes moved back to the horizon.
I clutched the arms of my chair, daring myself to ask. As close as we’d been, I’d never been able to break below the thick glass exterior he hid behind. “What do you like in bed?”
“Who said anything about a bed?” His grin was wicked.
“What do you like when you fuck?” I needed a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in months. Social smoker with a beer and the night.
He laughed. “Probably not what you’d expect. A range of things.”
“Ropes? Handcuffs? Butt plugs?” I smiled as I said it, although I wasn’t joking.
“All of that. But it isn’t always my partner who’s wearing it.” He was looking away so I had no idea if he was being serious or not. Serious. Probably.
“What about you? What gets you off?”
“Everything. I've never said no to trying something new. Or trying something new twice.”
“I used to imagine you liked to be in control.”
“I do. Most of the time. But I can switch.”
“Paddles? Whips?”
There was more to his questions than just the words and his light tone.
“Yes. Clamps. Shibari. Both ways. All ways in fact.”
I saw his smile. Then he shook his head, as if he didn’t believe what he was hearing. “I don’t even know what I’m thinking right now.” He stood up, stretched, looked at me finally. “I’m going to head to bed.”
It was there. The offer almost. Join him.
“I’m glad you had a good night.” Sometimes the most inane phrases said the most.
“It was enlightening. Sleep well.” Callum bent down and kissed the top of my head, like he used to, when I was with Jonah, before I was with Jonah.
