“I’m always well. It’s the sea. Now you’re back you’ll pick up quickly.” Her eyes assessed me in the dim light. “I should’ve come to see that you were okay.”
“No. I needed to keep you here. This was my safe place. When I couldn’t sleep, or I woke up with nightmares, I thought of here and you. And this.” The boats were leaving now, heading out for their morning of hunting the sea.
Catrin took my hand in hers, reminding me of when we were girls and she’d always taken the lead back then, pulling me both to and away from trouble.
“You need to know the gossip. So much to catch you up on.”
She didn’t mention Marcy, or ask me if I was okay. Here, life was like the sea; its ebb and flow continuous. I could drown in it.
“Tell me. Tell me everything.”
Her smile was enough to light up the beach, better than a lighthouse.
“I’m going to. After I’ve said good morning to Anders. In our own special way. And you’ve gone back to sleep for at least a couple more hours.” She led me to the steps back up the guesthouse. “Then I can tell you all about the island and what you need to know.”
I saw the smile on her face and rather than feel angry that someone in the world could be happy, even after what had happened to Calen and his family, I felt peace.
Life was carrying on. The world was still breathing.
“Gabe…” I didn’t know why I said his name. I didn’t know where the word had come from.
Catrin laughed, the sound loud enough to wake the roosting birds.
“Indeed. Gabe. You’ve met him then?”
“Briefly. He was chopping wood. He wasn’t especially friendly.” And that had bothered me. I was used to the island being my soft mattress. It always caught me and it was always comfortable. The holidaymakers and the summer people were different, obviously, although some returned here year on year. But everyone else, even the students, blended into the serenity of the place. Gabe hadn’t. He’d been the cold side of summer. A storm.
“He’s new.”
“Lots of people were new once.” Including me. I hadn’t always been an islander. We’d moved here when I was eight, away from the mainland, England in this case.
“But he’s new new. And he’s got baggage.”
I didn’t understand why she was defending him. I groaned, wondering if she’d fucked him already.
“Tell me you haven’t? Just because he’d under the age of forty doesn’t mean you have to sleep with him.” It bothered me, the idea of her taking him to bed – because it wouldn’t have been the other way round – and it shouldn’t because I was in no place to be thinking about anything other than friendship. Allowing myself to benurturedas my therapist had got me to explain.
Catrin shook her head. “No, cariad. I haven’t slept with him. Or kissed him. I know I’m a man magnet but I’ve been with Anders for the last few months. Gabe’s a nice guy. He’s complicated, but then, who isn’t. Go get some sleep, otherwise you’ll be trying to keep your eyes open while I’m telling you exactly what Ffion shouted out at Henry’s wedding. And it’s worth staying awake for.”
I let go of her hand. “I’ll see you at yours. Or will it be occupied?”
“Anders will be there. But that’s cool. Meet him. He makes a mean breakfast and I’ll make him wear clothes so your eyes aren’t scorched by his abs.”
I just about made out her batting her lashes in the weak light. And then sleep started to call my name.
I was home. This was where I could heal.
Halfway up the steps I paused and looked back out to sea, the signs of an early dawn on the horizon, the sea fret beginning to clear. My head was also starting to clear, the light not only coming from the new sun.
There was something else shining too.
* * *
I fellasleep on my bed, still in my harems and t shirt. Outside I heard the birds, seagulls and the garden birds that visited for the feeders Marcy had maintained. I’d make it a thing this summer to top them up, replace the feeders with new ones. It was a way of remembering her. I’d only managed another four hours sleep, but I felt as if I’d rested for a week. It was the sea air; it always felt like a balm to whatever hurt I was feeling. Maybe I should’ve come home earlier; it was suggested that I needed to be at home, but that felt like I was letting what happened win. My class had enough to adjust with, having lost one of them with no explanation, no understanding, because parents were meant to keep you safe. They didn’t need me to leave too.
Today my family would likely leave me to settle, to find my feet again as I did every summer when I came home from school. The pace away from the city took me a few days to adapt to. I was used to a packed schedule of waking early, going to the gym, then work and then some form of social event before going home to work some more. The longer I’d taught for, the easier it became to plan, prepare and mark, but then there were the additional responsibilities and the pressure to progress, something I wasn’t sure was for me.
I wasn’t entirely sure about anything anymore, but like my therapist had said, I didn’t need to be. I simply needed to accept being in the here and now. Living. That was what I had to do although nobody said how hard it would be.
