“I am. I was up painting all night and then went out with the boats. How’s things?” It would sometimes have been easier to lie to my family, for them and for me, to tell them that everything was fine when it wasn’t, or make something up about what I’d been doing so they didn’t believe I’d become a recluse. But I didn’t want to lead them on and give them false hope.
“That sounds good. The painting. What of? I saw the scenes of the beach you did. They’re phenomenal – you really need to consider an exhibition.”
Janie didn’t say where, although I knew she was referring to Bristol, where we were from and where she and my parents still lived.
“The island has a huge art scene. I’m going to show a few in the next one here. Bangor’s the same. And there’s been a lot of interest off my website.” I pulled the duvet over me. The day was going to be a warm one, perfect for Anya and Catrin to sunbathe, but the barn was cool and shaded right now.
“We’ll come see when you do. In fact, book me in somewhere. I guess things will get booked up quickly there over the school holidays.” She sounded tired.
“How are Jayden and Lucas?” I missed my nephews. Janie would too if she was away from them for more than a few hours and it was one thing I felt a bastard for, leaving her without any support. Our parents were good, and her husband was too when he was around, but he was in the army and away for months at a time, so she was pretty much a single parent.
“Boisterous. Active. Missing their uncle. Not that I’m trying to guilt trip you, mainly because I know it won’t work. We are going to spend some time there when school breaks up. I need a break and the idea of them having a big long peaceful beach to run wild on sounds amazing.” There was a sigh at the end of her sentence. One of hope. “Tell me about this new painting and send me photos after. What’s it of?”
I wondered what to filter out. If I described how Anya had looked last night, Janie would become excited with the idea that I was moving on and the picture wasn’t like that. It was Anya’s vibrancy that I’d wanted to capture, the energy she radiated. But I couldn’t give her that detail, it was too much to say out loud and those words would only give false hope anyway.
I wasn’t sure what I’d be ready for.
“The sea at sunset. There was a woman walking along the beach and the colours were perfect.” It was a brief but truthful explanation.
“You’re using colour?”
It didn’t help that my sister was a child psychologist.
“I have been for a few weeks.” And I knew exactly what she’d read into that. She’d see it as me improving, that there was more colour in my life and not just the monotones that I’d put into my art for the last eighteen months.
“That’s good. Any decisions on what to do with that monstrosity you’ve bought? Once it’s done, I can drop Satan’s spawn off for school holidays.”
It was at this point, any thoughts to speed up the renovations or rebuilding of the house were put on hold. I adored my nephews. In short doses. And not without another adult to help referee.
“Not yet. I might start playing around with plans soon.”
“If it helps, I wouldn’t abandon you with them totally.” I heard a long sigh. “I don’t know if Liam’s going to leave when he said he would.”
I knew there had been another reason for her call. This didn’t surprise me. Liam was a career military man and had been since before he’d met my sister. She could’ve travelled with him, but she’d had her own career and they’d made it work for over a decade and two kids. Clearly now was a sticky patch.
“Janie, you know him. He will finish at some point, but it has to be when he’s ready.”
There was silence then another sigh. “I know, Gabe. But the boys are such a handful and I really could do with some support. He says all the right things when I speak to him, and when he FaceTimes them, but it isn’t enough right now.”
“I’ll book you in at the guesthouse. Maybe for two or three weeks. The kids will love it here and I can take them off your hands during the day.” I fought a yawn.
“That’d be good. I’ll let you sleep. I have a client in five. Talk to you later.”
I hadn’t helped her or been overly sympathetic which was what my sister often wanted. This was a reoccurring issue between them. Then Liam would take extended leave and all would be well.
I lay back in bed, switching my phone off because there was no need to speak to anyone else – there wasn’t really anyone else to speak to. The period between getting out of hospital and then the rehabilitation unit had been the time when people had dropped away, unable to cope with what had happened and not knowing what to say. And if they hadn’t dropped away, I’d pushed them.
My eyes closed and my thoughts drifted away from my sister and the people I’d left behind. Instead, my mind flicked to the woman on the beach, Anya, with her dark hair and freckles and the smile that had been as nervous as mine. Her top had been tight enough to make out what secrets were underneath and her shorts had exposed long legs.
My dick grew hard. It had a been a few weeks since I’d had any relief and although I’d not gone without fucking, it had been a long time since I’d felt the urge to do it myself. There hadn’t been anyone that I’d fallen asleep thinking about, no one but a situation had caused me to get hard.
I wrapped my hand around my cock and thought about her tits, how she hadn’t seen me looking. I thought about it being her mouth wrapped around my dick as I held her hair tight, her brown eyes looking up at me. The range of fantasies I went through as I jacked off was wide and broad and dirty. The accident, even though it was never an accident, had changed me. The guy who liked things fairly straightforward had morphed into someone who knew what it was like to die and now sought the extremes.
Whether Anya would be interested in a hard and dirty fuck I didn’t know. Maybe not. I didn’t even care. She wasn’t here, so the only people involved were my hand and my imagination.
* * *
I woke to silence.
