I hoped lunch wasn’t going to become an assassination of everything male.
“Footballers top all of that and more. I swear they can’t even close a fucking door and expect you to wipe their asses for them. I had a Spurs player in this week for some work doing on his hamstring. He dropped his car keys and looked at me as if he expected me to pick them up.” Amber shook her head.
“What did you do?” Izzy said, pouring out the rest of the wine from the bottle. I neither had nor had been offered a glass.
“I suggested he bend his knees properly when he reached down so as not to aggravate the strain.” Amber smiled. “He then stared at me some more. So I stared back.”
“What was the outcome?” I said. “Did you remove his balls and hand them to him?”
Amber glared at me. “He picked his keys up and left. As he should. I can’t fucking stand footballers. I have to say, rugby players at least have half a brain and generally manners.”
“Good to know,” I said, catching the eye of the waiter. He headed towards us and I ordered a beer. My sisters used the opportunity to order more tapas than we’d ever eat in one sitting but I knew better than to tell them as I’d probably be accused of telling them to watch their weight or something.
“So how are things with Ava?” Nina said. “My love-life’s disintegrated, Izzy’s married and Amber hasn’t got a clue what to do with a penis unless it needs physio, so you’re our only hope at some entertainment.”
“Things are still the same. We’re dating. It’s nothing more serious than that.” I wondered why the words didn’t sound right.
“How often are you seeing each other?” Izzy said.
I braced myself for the inevitable inquisition.
“Three times a week, maybe more if we’re not both busy with work.” I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.
“That’s not dating, Eli, that’s a relationship,” Nina said. “Dating’s maybe three times a fortnight. Three times a week is a commitment.”
“Only if you give it that label. We’re dating. There’s nothing to stop us seeing someone else if either of us wanted.” I took the beer from the waiter as soon as he got to the table, wondering if they had a drip version because the way this conversation was going, a bottle wouldn’t be enough.
“Are you seeing someone else?” Amber said.
“No.”
“Why not?” Again, Amber.
“Because I don’t want to. If I have a free evening I’m either out with friends or with Ava.”
“Is she interested in anyone else?” My youngest sister had no idea when to stop asking questions. When she was younger and Izzy and I had sneaked off to a party, we’d had to physically gag her the following day to stop her asking us questions about why we looked tired and Izzy had a scratch down her arm in front of our parents. The scratch had been due to climbing over a neighbour’s wall when we were trying to sneak home.
“Not as far as I’m aware.” But she was currently meeting with Jon the architect. On a Saturday. When she wasn’t working. “And she’s moving into mine while she finishes the house she’s working on and buys her next flip.”
I looked at the expressions on each of my sisters faces, all equally stunned, all with their mouths forming perfect ‘o’s. Like sheep moving at identical times when they sense danger, my sisters picked up their wine glasses and took a drink.
“It’s nothing serious. It’s just me helping her out,” I clarified.
“Because she hasn’t got siblings who she can stay with,” Izzy said. “Like fuck this isn’t serious, Eli. Or if you’re persuading yourself it’s just casual dating then you’re really going to come unstuck.”
“Mum’s birthday,” Amber said, completely out of the blue. “We need to plan a present for her sixtieth.”
Nina frowned. “We were talking about Eli and Ava moving in together.”
“I know. And I can’t process it right now, so I’m changing the subject. Work with me here.”
My sisters skirted around the topic of Ava every three point two minutes while we ate. They also made Nina start trawling through dating apps, which I took as a cue to get my own phone out and check to see what the vibrating was about. It was Ava, as I’d hoped.
Ava:How’s lunch? I’m listening to Jon witter on about some shit I’m really not interested in.
Ava:You’re clearly being polite and not checking your phone while you’re with your sisters.
Ava:I’ve just been reprimanded by Jon for being on mine. He’s such a dick.
