“How did you feel when you found out?”
“Overwhelmed. Completely and utterly overwhelmed and I know you’re going to be hurt because I didn’t tell you but I had my reasons.” She took a long inhalation. “You would’ve been supportive. You would’ve taken the shit my brothers would’ve given you on the chin and my bet was that you’d have given up the chance to go in the Marines and I didn’t want you to have to do that. You knowing would have made the ultimate decision even harder.
“I had to look at my future and as much as I loved what I had inside me as soon as I knew, and I knew my family would’ve supported me – I still would’ve continued with college and my degree and my job – it wasn’t what I envisaged. So, I made the choice to have a termination.”
I heard her sob and then her choke it back. “I’m sorry, Killian. The guilt has eaten me up for years. I know I made the right decision and I know not telling you at the time was also the right decision. I have no regrets, but I still feel guilt.”
Holding her was easy. I brushed the tears away from her face with one hand and touched her with the other, needing to keep both of us grounded. I held her until the sky changed and the clouds cleared and then I needed to clear my own head, make sense of what she’d told me. “Can you give me a few minutes?”
She nodded. “As much time as you need.”
I moved away from her and started to walk away, feeling the air around me and I realised I’d been half holding my breath.
I could’ve been a father.
I thought about my nieces and imagined me and Claire with a baby of our own, so young, so hopeful about our futures and I couldn’t see it. I carried on walking until I reached a group of large stones, possibly part of henge once, and I sat down, staring at the horizon. We had been so young and a baby would’ve been such a challenge. If I’d known, if we’d made that decision to go through with it and I’d still joined the marines, she would’ve practically been a single parent like Nick was now. If I’d have stayed and done my MBA I’d have had pressure to get an income quickly to look after them both and her plans would’ve been delayed. But we would’ve had a child that bonded us together forever.
I wondered what she or he would’ve looked like, what sort of personality they would’ve had and I mourned the loss of someone I’d never had and then I mourned Claire’s loss because she’d done it on her own to try to protect me. She was the strongest person I knew and while I wished she’d have told me back then, I understood why she hadn’t and I accepted it. Right now, on the moor with nothing to distract me from the craggy landscape inside me, I understood and I could accept. It was part of us; part of our history, part of our past.
Heading back, I felt lighter, clearer. She was looking up, watching me as I approached, her expression fearful and I knew she was worried I’d react badly to the choice she’d made. I stopped a few feet from her and paused, taking in how she looked, where she was, everything I could because I only got to say this once for the first time.
“I love you.”
She turned around, surprise in her face. “How can you after…”
“Because I love you. I don’t think I ever told you that when we were together before, but I did then and I do now.”
“The baby…”
I moved to sit behind her and held her hands over her stomach, placing mine on top. “You know you could’ve told me. I might’ve joined the marines anyway, because that was what I should’ve done. We might’ve agreed that it wasn’t the right time to have a child and then the pressure of it might have split us up. I might’ve stayed and we’d have ended up hating each other because we were too young and both needed to experience other things and other people. You made the right decision for the right reasons at that time.”
“How do you always know what to say?” she said, her tears abating.
“Because I think first. I’m sad that you’re sad. Am I going to wonder what our child might have looked like? Probably. They’d be twelve now and in all honestly, I can’t imagine what having a twelve-year-old would be like right now.” The thought overwhelmed me, but I didn’t linger on it. It hadn’t happened, that wasn’t our present, so there was no need to dwell on the what-ifs. “Is today the date that…”
“I had the termination? Yes. There are two dates I remember. This one, but less so each year. But I always remember when the due date might’ve been – I never knew for sure - and I take that day off work or go off for some time away. The choice I made will never sit comfortably with me, but I don’t regret it because it was made for the right reasons. I just always worried that you wouldn’t understand. That you’d resent me for making such a huge decision without you having a say,” she said, turning round to face me but staying in my arms.
I gave her a half smile. “It was your body and you were the one who was going to be most affected.”
“What would you have wanted?”
“Honestly, Claire, I don’t know. I was twenty-one. If it was now, there would be no question about how I’d feel, but back then… I can only answer with hindsight and say you made the right decision for the right reasons.” I paused. “Did you hear me tell you that I love you?” I moved her hair from her face.
She nodded. “I did.” She lifted her face and pressed her lips to mine. “I feel the same. I love you back and more.” I let her set the pace of the kiss. She tasted of coffee and the sweet air of the moor, her skin soft under my hands.
We lay down on the blanket on our sides facing each other, hands exploring, fumbling through buttons and zips like we were teenagers. Her jeans were skinny ones and whoever had invented them hadn’t thought about how a man was going to get easy access down them. I jerked them down her hips so I could touch her pussy, finding it becoming wet.
There was no one around right now, but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be in another few minutes. As enjoyable as it would’ve been to expose her tits to the air and see how her nipples puckered in the light breeze.
I spread her wetness over her clit and began to slide two of my fingers back and forward over it. She wasn’t close yet; her hands were still too careful with the zipper of my jeans, freeing my cock and playing with its tip where a drop of moisture had already formed. “Are you going to come for me?” I said quietly. “After you’ve come on my fingers I want to bury my cock in you.”
She nodded, trying to spread her legs a little wider. I moved my hand, liking the moan as I pulled away and pushed her jeans further down her legs. Then my fingers resumed their rhythm, tiny gasps coming from her parted lips.
Her orgasm was silent, her legs jerking, her hand clutching my cock as if holding it was stopping her from breaking apart. “I want you inside me,” she said, pushing her jeans completely off and leaving her bare from the waist down. My hand went to her ass and drew her closer. She put her left leg over my hip, opening herself up so I could line up my cock and enter her.
The position was tight and didn’t give either of us much room for movement, just short shallow thrusts. My eyes were level with hers, barely blinking because I didn’t want to miss a single nuance in her expression. She was beautiful. She was mine.
I grasped her ass harder, thrusting with more power. She had started to whimper, clinging on and I knew I was hitting the spot inside her, the angle designed to rub her clit.
