“You’re not in any pain?”
“No more so than I’d be normally.” Her expression was blank, probably one she’d learnt through walking catwalks and poising in front of cameras.
“How does that make you feel?” I felt the ache that had never gone away more acutely in the current warmth of the sun.
“Sad. Relieved. Desperate and worried and happy. Relieved more than anything. If I had been pregnant I’d have to prove it was his, otherwise he’d have accused me of cheating. And then he’d have had another way to control me for the next eighteen years. I only hope I get another chance to be a mum,” she said, pulling her hair back from her face. “But that requires meeting someone who’s dad material.”
I had a feeling she’d already done that but now wasn’t the right time to add any more complexity to what was already going on. “I’m pretty sure it will happen for you, Katie. We just need to get rid of the blackhole who’s trying to take away all the light.”
“I agree. And I’m hopeful. I know not all men are like Dean Lacey. There are a lot of good people and I need to be thankful for them.” Her eyes were piercing as she looked at me, as if she could see into my thoughts with perfect clarity. “Tell me about Killian? Why aren’t you married with a bunch of cute kids by now?”
I drank my prosecco while my heart shattered. “We were young. I was in my first year at Oxford University and he was in his last and my brother Max’s best friend. I’d met him loads before as he’d spent time at the big house during the holidays and he’d always been gorgeous but he was Max’s friend so that was that. Then during my first week he’d shown me round and it went from there. We just didn’t tell anyone because we thought Max wouldn’t be happy. We were wrong on that score, but I think we liked the secrecy.”
“So why did you split?”
I saw a child with my hair and lips and Killian’s eyes; my quickness and Killian’s strength and I bit back tears that promised to fall like their own Niagara. “I can’t tell you until I tell Killian. I ghosted him because something happened and he still doesn’t know.”
Katie topped up my glass from the bottle the waiter had deposited. “I think I know why. Your lawyer face hasn’t been available since we got here and you are very readable.”
“I thought models didn’t understand expressions unless they were directed by a photographer,” I said, wanting to needle her to distract myself. “I’m pretty sure my poker face is fixed.”
She shook her head. “Sorry, doll, but when you see Killian your face just says ‘take me now’. How was the sex?”
I laughed loudly, probably slightly over the top. “Really?”
“Really. Claire, I need normal conversations. I haven’t had a proper girl friend since I started dating Dean, and even then, my friends were often there because they needed something from me rather than simply wanting to just bethere.”
There was a pain there that I recognised. I’d been lucky: I had two sisters who I got along with no matter what and a step mother who had been our saviour. I never lacked for friends or people to keep me grounded.
“He was my first and he spoilt me for anyone else. And that’s been the problem. We were good together, scarily so. He’d slept around a lot at college – and I’m not judging because my brothers were manwhores – but when we were together there was no one else,” I said. “For either of us.”
“And there hasn’t been since,” she said with a slight chuckle.
I shook my head. “No. I’ve had relationships since. I imagine he has too.”
She held my eyes with hers as she denied my words. “You might’ve dated and slept with other people, both of you, but have you seriously been involved with anyone? As in had feelings, not just repeated sex?”
“No,” I said, confessing almost all to my client which was wrong but right now, it didn’t matter. Maybe we were what each other needed. “I haven’t let myself.”
“Really?” She said as the waiter arrived at our table. “Shall we have a couple of cocktails? That prosecco’s not going to last much longer.”
I glanced at Denico who was still seemingly engrossed in his phone. I had no doubt that he was assessing who was coming near us or if anyone looked like a threat, but to be honest, I didn’t think there would be any reason to be worried right now. Dean Lacey would take a few days to get enough information on me to work out where his wife might be or how best to try to intimidate us, if that was what he chose to do. “I’ll have a Long Island Iced tea,” I said, knowing that it was only mid-afternoon and I had an evening and the night to sleep off any after-effects.
“Make mine a Negroni,” Katie said, clearly going for the hard stuff.
I’d fall over on more than two of those.
“Why haven’t you let yourself?”
“Have you just taken on the occupation of my therapist or something?” I muttered. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone. When I didn’t get in touch with Killian I know it was like sticking a knife in him and twisting it. I didn’t want to to be responsible for that again. Idon’twant to be responsible for that again.”
“How was it for you when that happened?”
“You really are trying to play therapist, aren’t you?” I said, making her laugh. “The same. I hurt myself.”
“So, go back and try again. It’s not just you who looks at him a certain way. It’s him too. He doesn’t take – not his eyes because he’s not being creepy – his awareness from you. How your brothers didn’t work it out is beyond me.”
“Because they’re my brothers. No other explanation needed.”
