“Slowly,” he said, backing away an inch, still holding me.
“Slowly,” I repeated, for my benefit as much as his.
***
I was just in bed when a knock sounded at my door, then a three second silence before Marie entered.
“No reason to wait for permission to enter?” I said with faux sarcasm.
“Killian’s still downstairs with your father and Max so I figured I’d be safe. You had a nice meal?” She sat down on the edge of the bed, dark hair that was laced with grey whipped around her head.
“Yes. I haven’t told him but he knows that there is something to tell.” It was hanging over me like the sword of Damocles but I wasn’t sure when the right time would be.
Marie shook her head. “This isn’t just about that. I wondered how you actually got on.”
I smiled, looking down at my bare legs that were visible under the short dressing gown. “Really well. Just like we did before.” I paused, studying her expression “Has dad said anything?”
“About what?”
“Killian? That we were, you know, at college?” My father had left most of the parenting to Marie; I certainly never expected him to go all protective and threaten to beat up my boyfriends – that had always been Marie’s role.
“He likes him, Claire. He always had. And yes, he did know about you being pregnant. He had no idea how to deal with it but he’s emotionally intelligent enough to realise that these things do happen. Your brothers are fine with it at the moment, too,” she said, standing and heading to the door. “And I say at the moment because I think if things look serious – and now’s too soon to be discussing it – then they might be a bit more protective.”
“I can look after myself.”
“Yes. And they know that. They also know that you look after them too, so they just want to return the favour,” she opened the door and started to leave. “Sleep well, biggest girl. Find me at some point tomorrow to go through some of this nightmare case.”
“Goodnight, mum,” I said, the name causing her to grin broadly.
The door snapped shut behind her and I settled under the sheets, leaving the curtains open so I could see the stars. The windows were slightly ajar, trying to encourage some cool night air to circulate through the room. I heard voices carry through the night, familiar ones.
“You’d better not screw her over,” Max said, his voice low and matter of fact. So much for what Marie had said. “Even if you only take her out one more time, it’d better be her who dumps your fucking ass and not the other way round.”
There was a pause and I wondered what the expression on Killian’s face was like. “There’s no way I would. I wouldn’t have even taken her out today if I didn’t think there was more to it that a couple of dates. She’s your sister, I’m not even going to go there unless I’m serious.”
“So why did it end last time? What did you do because I remember her being a mess and not leaving the house for weeks and you constantly asking questions about her, thinking you were being discreet,” Max said, his tone now annoyed. I hadn’t given my brother credit for being so astute before.
“I don’t know. She stopped responding to my messages and emails and I had no clue. I hadn’t cheated on her and I thought I’d treated her like a queen. I was even thinking of not signing up with the Marines and doing a master’s degree like you so I could stay with her,” Killian said. I sat up in bed, hugging my knees to my chest, needing to hear what else he said. “By September I realised that she wanted it to be over and I wasn’t doing either of us any favours by hanging on. She clearly didn’t want me and that was the end of it.”
There was a long pause and I wondered if one of them had left. An owl called in the distance, the response from its mate from closer by.
“She was fucking miserable,” Max said. “And then she did nothing but work for three years solid. We all though she had turned into dad.”
Killian laughed softly. “She can drink like him.”
I grinned at the compliment and realised then that I was crying. I knew at the time I would hurt him, and I knew now that I was going to hurt him when I told him the truth. Looking back, I knew the decision not to go ahead with the pregnancy was the right one for me, but it was one we should’ve made together.
“She can. She can also probably hear us right now,” Max said, his voice changing. “Hey, sis! We know you’re listening!”
“Shut the fuck up, Max, some of us are actually trying to sleep,” Callum’s voice from the room next to me yelled. “You’re worse than a pair of teenaged girls.”
“Let’s face it: you’re the one to know what teenage girls are like,” Max shouted up. “Given that your social media accounts are stalked by them. ‘Oh, Callum, you’re so dreamy. Please can you say hi to me on your Instastory?” Max’s voice had become high pitched and whiny. It was actually a fairly good impression.
I heard footsteps and the door next to me slammed. Sixty seconds later there was a holler outside and noises I recognised as my brothers about to fight, nothing actually serious, just the regression from being adults in their thirties back to pre-pubescent irritating boys.
I closed the window slightly and got back under the sheets, grabbing hold of the paperback I’d bought, a quirky romance set in a Boston architects’ firm. I was just at the point where the couple were starting to get to know each other better when another knock sounded at my door.
“Can I come in?” Killian said softly, as if I might be asleep.
