Her hand found its position on my forearm. “I agree. Let’s head back in. They’ll all be too pissed to notice how long we’ve been gone for.”
I nodded, agreeing, smiling. And unable to take my eyes off the woman next to me.
***
Claire
Thirteen years ago
I clutched the toilet seat, feeling like I was being thrown into some sort of swirling vortex where my mind was being separated from my body. Vomit hit the back of the toilet and my throat stung. Again. My breakfast had revisited my mouth. Again. Just a bug. Just a weird bug. It would settle.
A knock at the bathroom door sounded as I wretched again, still clinging on for dear life. “I’m coming in, Claire.”
I was too sick to care. Marie was my step-mum, and had been my mum for fourteen years. She had given me space since I’d returned from my first year at university, understanding that I was used to living independently. She entered, locking the door behind her, something I’d forgotten to do, and knelt down behind me, immediately scraping my hair away from my face.
I vomited again then felt immediately better. It would be over now. A bout of sickness, a few minutes of exhaustion and then I’d feel okay. Tired but okay.
“I think I have a bug,” I said weakly, feeling her hand rhythmically tapping my back, just as she had when I was younger and couldn’t sleep or had a nightmare. It was soothing but I was fighting the urge to curl into her and cry.
“Is that what they’re calling it now?” she said softly as I leaned my head down onto my arms, still not able to move.
I felt sick again, this time with anxiety, the thoughts that I’d been hiding from for the past couple of weeks shooting around my mind like wasps. “What do you mean?”
“When’s the last time you had a period?”
I sat up, moving so my back was against the wall and Marie moved to sit next to me, putting her arm around my shoulders.
“Claire, I’m not going to criticise you. I’m not going to judge. All I’m going to do is support you,” she said, tightening her hug.
I felt a sob bump up my throat. “I’m about two weeks late.”
“I think we need to do a test. Then we have all the facts.”
I shook my head. “I can’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill. I’m really good at taking it.” I was, like clockwork. I was a planner, rigorous and meticulous. It was why I knew I’d be such a good lawyer.
Marie nodded. “I don’t doubt you. But the pill isn’t one hundred percent effective and didn’t you take a course of antibiotics a few weeks ago?”
I heard a siren go off in my head, a warning ringing loud enough to vibrate through every bone. “Yes,” I said. “Shit.”
Marie laughed quietly. “Claire, it’s going to be fine. I promise you.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me who… who…” I started to stutter, tears filling my eyes. I hated crying, it was something I rarely did and I didn’t let anyone see me when it happened, usually. Killian had been the only one; a shitty day and a bad grade that eventually got boosted up had driven me to tears. He’d been a rock, holding me, laughing when it was appropriate, just being him. I needed him now, but he was in Ireland for four weeks, seeing his parents and brother who was home on leave.
“Do you want to tell me?”
I looked at her. I wanted her to know that it was a serious boyfriend and someone that I knew she liked. Then fear ran through me; what if she was angry with him? Killian got along so well with my parents and my two elder brothers were best friends with him. They’d be furious – we’d kept it quiet not wanting to change the way our relationships worked, keeping us a secret. “I’ve been seeing him since Fresher’s Week,” I said, needing her to know the background. “We’ve kept it quiet.”
She looked at me knowingly. “Killian,” she said. “When he stayed at Easter you spent a lot of time together and I noticed the way you looked at each other. Don’t worry, Claire, I’m not going to have him assassinated. He’s a good man.” She extricated herself from me and stood up. “I bought some pregnancy tests yesterday. Let me go and get them.”
“Yesterday?” I said, my eyes dry now, feeling better than I had for days now she’d talked to me.
Marie laughed softly. “Your moods and tiredness. Plus, the morning sickness. And I have a sixth sense about these things. Two minutes.”
She closed the door, shouting to Payton to take Ava to the shops in the village for bread and chocolate. She wanted to get them out of the way for an hour for which I was grateful. I adored my little sisters, I loved looking after them and had done since they were babies but right now I needed Marie to myself.
“Pee on this,” she said five minutes later, during which I had gone through every possible scenario and was now shaking like a leaf. She passed me a stick like I had seen in adverts in magazines. I pulled down my jeans and crouched over the toilet, taking ages before I started to pee. Marie looked at her reflection in the mirror, routing through her hair for any grey strands.
“What do I do?” I said, staring at stick like it was from an alien planet.
