"Mama, James pushed me over. He was being mean again, and you said if he was being mean he had to spend the rest of the day in his room without his iPad," the girl, who I knew was Jemma, said.
"You're such a snitch," her brother said. "I barely touched you. You slipped. You're such a girl." At which point Jemma started to cry. Tommy bent down and picked her up. At the same time, James' bottom lip quivered.
"It's nice to meet you too," Addy said. "These are two of my badly-behaved children, Jemma and James and somewhere I have a four-year-old..." She looked behind her as a crash sounded. "That's likely to be her."
And then I was bombarded by a mass of red curls and sass. "Uncle Jacks!" I stooped down and picked her up, sticky fingers attacking my beard. "I thought I saw you! Mama, I knocked a glass over and I think I made a man cross."
"More than likely," Addy said. "You okay with her, Jacks? I'd better sort out her trail of destruction." James followed his mother across the bar and I turned towards Vanessa.
"This is Emmy," I said, as sticky hands stretched towards Vanessa. "Emmy, this is my friend Vanessa."
Emmy stretched out a hand to Van. "I like your hair. It's like a princess'."
Vanessa laughed. "I like yours, it's like it's made of gold and so pretty."
Emmy wriggled and then clung on, pulling the neck of my t-shirt. "My daddy says it's like my temper. Like fire. And he says I've got a tongue like mummy's that's as sharp as a knife and twice as hurty."
"But we don't tell Mummy those things, do we, poppet?" Tommy said, making it clear who was still boss in their house. "I'd offer to take Emmy from you, Jacks, but I'm sure you still owe us babysitting duties after you promised to help out all those years ago, before this lot caused me any grey hairs."
I had. I had also been drunk and at their wedding where I had been best man. Unfortunately, Tommy remembered everything even after the best part of a bottle of tequila.
"Mama's got popcorn!" Emmy wriggled and I put her down, instantly forgotten. Jemma and James ran over too, still covered in mud.
"Anytime you want a sitter," I said to Tommy, catching the eye of the bartender. "Although the clean-up job after probably wouldn't be worth it."
Vanessa and I sat down with them, the children eventually heading back outside to where there was a children's play area, visible from the window. We caught up; I found out who from the village was getting married, divorced or allegedly having an affair because Tommy was the biggest gossip for miles. He and Addy asked Vanessa questions about Derbyshire and the caverns there, the difference between Bakewell Pudding and Bakewell Tart and why on earth she was with me and an hour later we both had a sleepy child on our knees, having shared a Ploughman's lunch and the mud from the twins' shoes. We helped them back in the car, a mess of an SUV with bits of food all over the back and in between the booster seats. Tommy and Addy tossed toys and a couple of coloring books – all of which were ignored – into the back and said their goodbyes.
"You sure you don't want to take them for the night?" Tommy said, smelling his hand and looking disgusted. I didn't ask.
"Don't wish that on them," Addy said, linking her arm through Tommy's. "They're going home to have tons of uninterrupted sex and sleep, then more sex and even a bacon butty in the morning without someone wanting to share it. In fact, they'll probably eat it in bed!" She rested her head on her husband's arm and groans.
"It was that which got us into trouble in the first place," Tommy said.
"What? The bacon butties?" Addy said, looking up at him.
"That probably had something to do with it. I was thinking more about the uninterrupted sex. There's no chance of number four ever making an appearance," Tommy said, glaring into the car. "Best contraceptive ever: three kids aged between four and five."
Vanessa was laughing next to me, her eyes shining. She glanced into the car, her eyes landing on Emmy. I found my hand landing on the small of her back without thinking about it.
"What do you miss most?" I asked, poking at them as I could guess what their answers would be.
"The sex," Tommy said. "You daren't start anything now as it's like a bloody curse. The moment anything's pointing north the door opens and a yelling child storms in. At least when they were babies and couldn't walk you could maintain some dignity!"
"The sleep," Addy said, sounding grumpy. "To be honest, the sex was never much to write home about anyway. And the last time we did it we got Emmy."
Tommy glared at her. "We've done it since Emmy."
"Have we?" Addy said, raising her brows. "We might have. I was probably asleep. I hope you were careful."
Vanessa started laughing, a proper full on belly laugh with tears starting to spill. I shook my head having heard this routine on many occasions since we were fourteen and they got together on Halloween, both claiming they had no idea who was wearing the masks. They'd been torturing each other since they had been about eight so it had always seemed inevitable they'd produce humans that would torture them even more.
Tommy pulled Addy into him and kissed the side of her head. "I'll make you pay for that," he said. "In fact, given the fact they're all asleep and locked in the car, I could make you pay right now."
Addy giggled like a teenager. "I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to do that. Let's get them home quickly. We could make another..."
They both started to laugh.
"And on that note, we're leaving," I said. "We'll leave you to your circus. Dad and Marie are having everyone over in a couple of weekends. You should come over and bring the kids. You can probably talk Marie into babysitting at some point."
