"That's it. I never exactly had time to research gay sex. I was too busy working twelve-hour days." I look at him. "What about you? What do you know?"
"About the same. Maybe less." He's quiet for a moment. "I know there's prep involved. Like, you can't just—" He makes a vague gesture. "You have to get ready first. Stretch things out. Use fingers, I think. Work up to it."
"That sounds uncomfortable. Or painful."
"I think it can be. If you don't do it right. If you rush it. I want to do it right when we get there. I don't want either of us to have a bad experience that ruins it."
"Me too. I never want to hurt you. You said I have a big cock. Is that going to be a problem?"
Jay snorts. "No, I love your cock. You can stretch me out good first, okay? You'll never hear me complaining about the size of your cock."
"Okay, but I'm not in a hurry to fuck you that way. I mean, I'm dying to, but I can wait."
"Have you ever been with anyone else?" Jay asks. "Like, at all? Kissing, touching, anything?" He seems nervous asking, like he's afraid of the answer.
"No one. Ever." I meet his eyes, hold his gaze. "You're my first everything. First kiss, first time touching someone like this, first time being touched. First orgasm that wasn't my own hand. There's never been anyone else. Not even close."
"Same here." He nods slowly, and I can see relief in his eyes. "So, we don't need to worry about getting tested or anything. Right? I mean, if we're both virgins, if neither of us has been with anyone—"
"I don't think so? There's nothing to test for if neither of us has done anything with anyone." I stroke his hair. "But we can if you want to. If it would make you feel safer."
"No, I just—I wanted to make sure we were on the same page." He reaches out and takes my hand, threads our fingers together. "And there's not going to be anyone else. For me, I mean. Just you. I want you to know that. I want you to know I'm all in."
"Same. Just you." I squeeze his fingers. "I'm not interested in anyone else. I never have been. It's only ever been you, even when I didn't understand what that meant."
He brings my hand to his lips, kisses my knuckles softly. "Then we're exclusive. Monogamous. Whatever you want to call it. We're together. Just us."
"Just us. I like the sound of that. I like it a lot."
Chapter 32: Jay
We don't get out of bed until almost noon. By the time we've showered and dressed, my stomach is growling loud enough to echo off the walls. I grab my jacket from the chair. "I feel like an idiot. I keep forgetting to feed you. I'm supposed to be taking care of you and I keep forgetting the most basic things."
"You're not an idiot. We've been busy." Ivan grins at me.
"Still. You need to eat. We're going to Betty's. Right now."
"Okay, Betty's it is. Let's go."
We walk to the diner hand in hand, our fingers laced together. It feels strange at first—I've never held anyone's hand in public before, never thought I'd be the kind of person who does this. But by the time we're halfway there, it feels natural.
Betty's eyebrows shoot up when we walk in together, when she sees our hands joined. But she doesn't say anything. Just grabs two menus and leads us to our usual booth by the window, the one with the cracked vinyl seat that I've sat in dozens of times alone.
"Coffee?" she asks, already reaching for the pot.
"Please," Ivan says, sliding into the booth across from me. "And a lot of food. I'm starving. Like, genuinely starving."
"Growing boy like you needs his fuel. Gotta keep your strength up." She pours our coffee, the steam rising, and heads off to give us a minute to look at the menus.
Under the table, Ivan finds my hand again. I lace our fingers together, resting our joined hands on my thigh where anyone who looked could see.
"This is nice," he says quietly, looking at me across the table.
"What is? The diner?"
"Being out with you. Doing normal things." He squeezes my hand. "I've never done this before. The whole dating thing. Taking someone to breakfast. Holding hands in public. Any of it."
"Me neither. Not even close."
