"No, I just couldn't sleep. Nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep."
"Are you okay?"
I haven't been okay in years. Actually, I've never been okay.
"I'm fine. Don't worry about it."
The bed creaks again. Footsteps, soft on the thin carpet. And then Ivan is there in front of me, crouching in front of my chair. His hands land on my knees, warm and solid and real. His face tilts up to look at me even though I know he can't see much in this darkness.
"You're not fine. Talk to me, Jay. Please. You can tell me anything."
"There's nothing to talk about. I can't sleep sometimes. That's all."
"Jay."
"I said I'm fine. Just go back to bed."
He doesn't push. He doesn't demand answers or get frustrated or tell me I'm being difficult. He just stays there, crouched in front of me, his hands warm on my knees, waiting.
The silence stretches out between us. I can feel the walls I'm building, brick by brick, trying to put distance between us before he gets close enough to see all the ugly parts. I can feel him refusing to walk away.
"I'm scared," I finally admit.
"Of what?" His hands tighten on my knees.
"Of everything." I stare at a point over his shoulder because I can't look at his face, can't see the concern there that I don't deserve. "Of wanting this too much. Of believing it might actually work. Of letting myself hope. Of waking up one day and finding out you finally figured out what everyone else already knows. What I've always known about me."
"Which is what?"
"That I'm not worth it." The words taste like poison in my mouth, bitter and choking. "That I'm too broken to fix. That you could do so much better than some guy who lives day-to-day in a motel room."
"Is that what you think?" Ivan interrupts. "That I'm going to leave when I see how hard this is? When I see all the broken parts?"
"Everyone leaves. That's what people do when things get hard. When the person they thought they wanted turns out to be someone else entirely."
"I'm not everyone." He says it with such certainty, such conviction, that I almost believe him.
"You don't know that yet. You don't know what I'm like when it gets really bad. The bad days, the really bad ones—you haven't seen those yet. And when you do see all that—when you see who I really am beneath this person I'm trying to be for you—you're going to realize you made a huge mistake. And you're going to leave."
"When I do see all that, I'll still be here." His hands move from my knees to my hands, taking them in his. "I'll still be right here next to you."
"You can't promise that. You can't know—"
"I can," he interrupts. "I can promise that, because I know who you are. Not the version you show the world to survive, not the mask you puton when you're trying to be strong. The real you. The one who held me when I was twelve and terrified. The one who took beatings so I wouldn't have to. The one who broke his own arm protecting me."
"I'm not that person anymore. That person died somewhere between the Hendersons and here."
"That's exactly who you are. That fighter, that survivor, that protector, he's still in there. And that person is worth waiting for. He's worth fighting for."
I shake my head. "I was sitting here wondering if I could make it to the liquor store and back before you woke up," I admit.
Ivan doesn't flinch. Doesn't pull away. Doesn't look at me with disgust or disappointment. "But you didn't. That's what matters."
"Only because I didn't want you to kiss me and taste alcohol on my breath. Only because I didn't want to see the look in your eyes if you knew I was drinking when I told you I wouldn't." I laugh, but there's no humor in it. "That's not strength. That's just fear of getting caught."
"That's still a reason. That's still you making a choice not to do it." He moves his hands from mine to my face, cupping my jaw, forcing me to look at him even though I don't want to. "I'm not going to pretend this is easy. But I'm also not going to let you push me away because you're scared of letting me see the worst of you."
"What if I hurt you? Not physically, I would never—but what if I hurt you in other ways? What if I drag you down with me?"
