He lifts our joined hands and presses them against his chest, against his heart, and I can feel it racing.
"I never forgot. Not once. I never stopped looking for you. Because you asked me to remember, and I did. I remembered every detail, every word. And when I finally found you—" He has to stop, has to breathe before he can continue.
"When I finally found you," he says again, barely above a whisper, "I was so scared that I was too late. That I'd find you just to lose you again."
"You weren't," I choke out.
"I know." He smiles through his tears, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. "Because you're here. You're right here in front of me, and you're alive, and you're healthy, and you're choosing me."
He takes another breath, and when he speaks again, he's steadier, full of absolute conviction.
"So today, I'm making a new promise to you. I promise to remember you every single day for the rest of my life. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because remembering you—loving you—is the best thing I've ever done, and I will never, ever stop."
He lifts one hand to cup my face, his thumb brushing away my tears tenderly. His eyes hold mine, and I can see our whole history there—the barn, the separation, the searching, the finding, the healing.
"I'll always remember your name," he says softly, reverently. "And I'll spend the rest of my life being your safe place."
He leans closer, his forehead almost touching mine, and whispers the words I said to him over twenty years ago when I found him crying under his bed on his first night at Henderson's house, when he was so scared he couldn't breathe.
"I'm here now," he says. "You can breathe. You're safe."
I let out a sound that's half sob, half laugh. My whole body is shaking. I don't know how I'm still standing.
Pastor Daniels gives me a moment—a long, generous moment—to collect myself.
"Jay, whenever you're ready."
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, but the tears keep coming in waves. It doesn't matter. Let them fall. Let everyone see how much this means.
"Ivan," I start, and I'm already wrecked, barely recognizable, scraped raw. I have to stop, breathe, try again.
"Ivan. When I was fourteen years old, I made a promise to a twelve-year-old boy who was too scared to sleep at night. I told him to remember my name. I told him that whatever happened, whatever tried to separate us, he had to hold onto who I was. And I had to hold onto who he was, too."
I reach up and touch his face with both hands, mirroring what he did to me. His skin is wet with tears, warm under my palms.
"So, I'm going to say it now," I tell him. "In front of everyone here. The way you said it back to me in that barn."
I take a breath and recite the words that saved us both, that kept me alive when I wanted to die.
"Ivan Allen Collins. Birthday September twenty-third. Born in Atlanta, Georgia. Birthmark on the right shoulder blade, shaped like a kidney bean blob." My voice cracks on the next words. "Safe place is the barn, with me."
Ivan is crying so hard his shoulders are shaking. I pull him closer, making him look at me, making him see me.
"I remembered," I whisper fiercely. "Every single day. When I was drunk, when I was lying on that motel floor wishing I could just disappear and make the pain stop—I remembered. Ivan Allen Collins. September twenty-third. His safe place is the barn, with me. It was the only prayer I knew. The only thing I believed in when I couldn't believe in anything else, not even myself."
I have to stop. The emotion is too big, too overwhelming, pressing against my chest and demanding to be released. I breathe through it, holding onto Ivan's face like he's the only solid thing in the entire world.
"I spent seven years thinking I'd lost the only good thing that ever happened to me," I continue when I can speak again. "Seven years trying desperately to forget how much it hurt to be without you. I told myself I wasn't worth finding. I told myself you'd moved on, found a better life, forgotten all about the broken kid you used to hide with in that barn. I convinced myself you were better off without me."
I shake my head slowly, firmly.
"But you didn't forget. You never forgot. You searched for me every single month for seven years. You never gave up, even when you had every reason to. And when you finally found me, I was at my absolute lowest. I was nothing. I had nothing. I was a stranger to myself." I take a shaky breath. "And you looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and you saw something worth saving. You saw me when I couldn't see myself."
Ivan's hands come up to cover mine where they rest on his face. We're holding each other now, both of us a complete mess of tears and trembling limbs, and I don't care at all who sees.
I lean my forehead against his, our tears mingling where they fall.
"I promise to remember you. I promise to choose you, every day. I promise to be the person you deserve, to keep working on myself, to never stop trying to be better."
