"I'm always right." He pulls back and smiles at me. "Now we have a plan. This is doable."
"It's a start." I lean my forehead against his, breathing him in. "I'm so goddamn sorry about last night. I'm sorry I scared you so badly."
"Don't apologize for being human. Just don't do it again."
"I'll try my best. I can't promise I won't fall down again—I might. But I can promise I'll keep getting back up. I can promise I'll fight over and over if I need to."
"That's all I can ask. That's all anyone can ask." Ivan kisses me softly, his lips gentle. "I love you, Jay. I've always loved you. You're my life."
"I love you too." The words feel unfamiliar after years of only thinking them. I've thought them a thousand times but never said them out loud before. "You're everything to me, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you."
"You already deserve me. You just have to believe it."
I don't believe it. Not even close.
But maybe someday I will.
Chapter 48: Jay
Ivan stays until Monday morning, sleeping beside me in the narrow motel bed, holding me close. When he drags himself out of bed before dawn to leave for work, I walk him down to his truck and kiss him goodbye under the flickering streetlight.
"Call me tonight," he says, cupping my face with both hands. "Tell me how the meeting goes. Tell me everything. Don't hide anything from me."
"I will."
"And if you need me before then—if you're struggling, if you want a drink—you call me. I don't care what time it is or what I'm doing. You call me."
"I will. Drive safe. Don't fall asleep at the wheel."
I watch his truck disappear around the corner, the taillights fading into the early morning darkness. And then I'm alone again.
But it feels different this time. Less like abandonment. More like a temporary separation. He'll be back this weekend. We have a plan.
My first real task is talking to Betty. I go to the diner during my lunch break. Betty is behind the counter refilling the sugar dispensers.
"Jay," she says, looking up with surprise. "You're not scheduled until five. Everything okay?"
I slide onto one of the counter stools. "I needed to talk to you about something important. About my schedule."
Betty sets down the sugar and gives me her full attention. "What's going on, honey?"
"I need to start going to AA meetings," I tell her. "There's one every night at seven o'clock at the community center. And I realize that's right in the middle of my shift here, during the dinner rush. So, I understand if you need to find someone else to replace me. But I wanted to be honest with you about why I need the time off."
Betty takes off her glasses and sighs deeply. "My son Tommy went through the same thing you're going through," she says quietly. "Starteddrinking in high school, got worse in his twenties. Lost two jobs, wrecked his marriage, almost killed himself driving drunk."
"I didn't know. You never mentioned him."
"Not many people know." She reaches across the counter and puts her weathered hand on mine. "He's been sober six years now, thank God. But those first couple years were absolute hell for everyone."
"Does it get easier?"
"It got different. Not easier, just different." She pulls her hand back and puts her glasses on. "Here's what I'll do. You're a good worker, Jay. You show up on time, you work hard. I don't want to lose you. I'll work around your meetings. You can come in after your meetings at eight instead of five, work the late shift, and help us clean up. I'll be willing to work with you, but only if you actually go to those meetings. Every single one. No skipping, no excuses. That's part of the deal."
"You'd do that for me?"
"I'm doing it because I've seen what happens when people don't get help. I watched my son almost die. And I'm not going to watch another young man destroy himself when there's something I can do about it." She picks up the sugar dispenser again. "Do we have a deal?"
"Yes ma'am. We absolutely have a deal. Thank you."
