Waking up next to him every morning instead of just on weekends. Coming home to him every night.
It feels impossible. It feels like something that happens to other people, to people whose lives aren't built on quicksand.
But maybe, just maybe, it doesn't have to be impossible.
Maybe I could actually have this.
If I don't fuck it all up first.
Chapter 44: Ivan
The next ten days pass in a blur of work, phone calls, and counting down the hours until I can see Jay again. We talk every night. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes until midnight when neither of us can keep our eyes open anymore. Our conversations revolve around normal, domestic things. The kind of things couples share when they're building a life together, even if that life is currently split between two cities hours apart.
I drive down the weekend before his court date, and we spend two days wrapped up in each other. We exist in a bubble where nothing bad can touch us.
Sunday night, Jay is quiet and distant in a way that worries me. I hold him in the dark and feel his heart racing against my chest.
"It's going to be okay," I tell him, running my fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. "Tomorrow is going to be okay."
"You don't know that for sure," he says against my shoulder. "You can't know that."
"I know Patricia is good at her job. One of the best. And I know you've done everything right since the arrest. You stayed out of trouble, you stayed sober, you showed up for every meeting with her." I kiss his temple. "You deserve a second chance. You deserve this to work out."
He doesn't answer, just holds on tighter, and I wish I could take all his fear and carry it for him.
Monday morning, I have to leave before dawn to make it to work on time. I kiss Jay goodbye while he's still half-asleep, his dark hair messy against the pillow, his eyes barely open.
"Call me as soon as it's over," I whisper against his forehead. "The second you leave the courthouse. I don't care if I'm in the middle of something."
"I will," he mumbles, already drifting back to sleep. "Promise."
I spend the whole day checking my phone obsessively. Every time it buzzes, my heart stops and my stomach drops. But it's never him. It's Frank asking about supply orders. It's Rosalyn reminding me to pick up milk on the way home.
Finally, late in the afternoon, my phone rings and Jay's name appears on the screen.
I answer before the first ring finishes. "How'd it go? Tell me everything."
"It's done. It's over. Got it down to disorderly conduct, two-hundred-dollar fine, no jail time. Nothing on my permanent record as long as I stay out of trouble for a year. Then it gets expunged entirely."
"Thank God! That's amazing news. That's exactly what we were hoping for. That's the best possible outcome."
"Yeah, Patricia was incredible," he says, and I can hear him trying to muster some enthusiasm, trying to sound happy. "She talked to the prosecutor beforehand, showed him all the evidence that there was no proof I started the fight. Apparently, the other guys got charged too—all four of them—which really helped my case. Made it clear I was defending myself."
"Wow, it's really over," I say. "The whole thing is behind you now. You can move forward."
"It's over," Jay confirms, but he still sounds empty and disconnected.
I wait for him to say more, to sound happy or relieved or excited or something other than this numbness. But there's just silence on the other end of the line, broken only by the sound of his breathing.
"Hey, are you okay?" I ask carefully. "You don't sound like yourself. You sound off."
"Yeah, I'm just tired, I guess. It's been a long day. It doesn't feel real yet, you know? Like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For someone to tell me they made a mistake, that I misunderstood and I'm really going to jail."
"Nothing's going to go wrong. You got through this. The worst part is over."
"We got through it together," he corrects me quietly. "I couldn't have done any of this without you. The lawyer, the money, your support. I would have been completely fucked without you."
"I'm grateful you let me do it."
