I want to argue. I want to tell him I'll never take his money, that I'll figure it out on my own no matter what, that I'd rather go to jail than be his charity case.
But I think about jail. I think about what happens if I can't pay whatever fines or fees or restitution the court decides I owe. I think about losing my job because I'm locked up. I think about losing everything because I was too stubborn to accept help when I had no other options.
"If it's the only option," I say. "If I've exhausted everything else. Every other possibility. I'll tell you. I won't just let things go to hell."
He pulls me into a hug, tight and fierce. I hold him back just as hard, breathing him in, trying to memorize the smell of him. Trying to hold onto this feeling for the week ahead when he won't be here.
"Every night at nine," he says against my hair. "You call me. Or I call you. No matter what."
"That's a deal."
"And if you're struggling, if the cravings hit, if you're thinking about drinking, you call me immediately. I don't care what time it is. I don't care if I'm asleep or at work or in the middle of something. You call me."
"I will."
He pulls back just enough to look at me, and his eyes are red, his face blotchy from crying.
"I believe in you," he says. "Even if you don't believe in yourself yet. Even if you think you're going to fail. I believe you can do this."
I want to believe him more than anything. I want that certainty, that faith.
I take a breath. "When you were twelve, you looked at me like I was the strongest person in the world. I need to be that person again. Someone you can rely on, not just someone you worry about constantly." I cup his face in both hands. "Let me earn my way back to being your equal instead of your project. When I come to you, it'll be because I deserve to stand beside you."
He kisses me then, full of everything we're not saying. I kiss him back with everything I have.
Today isn't goodbye.
But it feels like something ending.
Chapter 35: Ivan
The rest of Sunday is quiet. Heavy with things we're not saying. We don't talk about the future anymore, don't revisit the painful conversation from this morning. We just exist together, trying to soak up every minute we have left, trying to memorize each other. We shower together this time. Nothing sexual, just the intimacy of washing each other's backs, of sharing the small space, of being naked and vulnerable and safe. We get dressed slowly, neither of us wanting to move toward the inevitable.
We walk to Betty's for a late breakfast even though neither of us is particularly hungry. It's more about delaying the moment when I have to pack my bag and leave.
Betty doesn't comment on the way we're sitting closer than before, on the same side of the booth instead of across from each other. But I catch her smiling when she refills our coffee, see the knowing look in her eyes.
I watch him try to really eat this time, not just pushing food around his plate the way he usually does. He's making an effort. He catches me staring and raises an eyebrow.
"What?"
"Nothing. I'm just glad you're actually eating, instead of pretending."
"You told me to. You asked me to try."
"Since when do you do what I tell you? You've never listened to anyone in your entire life."
He smiles at me. "Since you started making good points."
We walk back to the motel slowly, taking the long way around even though it's barely three blocks. Neither of us wants to get there. Getting there means I have to pack. Packing means I have to leave. Leaving means this perfect bubble we've been living in is about to pop.
Back in the room, I pack my bag while Jay sits on the bed and watches. It doesn't take long. I only brought one change of clothes and a toothbrush. Everything fits in the small overnight bag easily.
"I need to leave soon," I say, zipping the bag closed with a finality that makes my stomach clench. "I want to be home to help the kids before they go to bed. I promised them."
"The kids?" He looks up at me, curious.
"Caleb and the twins. Diana has a math test tomorrow and I promised I'd help her study tonight. We have a standing date on Sunday nights. I help her review whatever she's learning, quiz her on vocabulary, that kind of thing. And Caleb won't go to sleep unless I read to him." I sit down on the bed next to Jay, close enough that our thighs are touching. "It's our routine. It's been our routine for years now. I can't just disappear on them without warning."
