He didn't respond right away, but it was early. No one without kids was awake yet. I hit the button on my coffee machine, then came back to the living room to take more pictures.
I curled up on the couch with a blanket, wishing that I had someone to share this with. It seemed like there should be more people here to share in the joy.
I thought back to last night at the Sterlings' house. I bet their Christmas mornings growing up were crazy and chaotic. And filled with so much joy and love.
Not that I wasn't having a wonderful morning, but there was something about sharing it with someone. What if Ayla had a sibling? What if I had someone sitting next to me on this couch?
Hudson: I wish I could have been there.
I hovered my fingers over the keys. It would be crazy to invite him.
Angela: She squealed as soon as she saw it.
Hudson: It was worth it to see her smile.
I wasn't sure what else there was to say. He'd helped me, and I'd sent him a picture of her joy. He'd kissed me, but we hadn't talked about what it meant. Were we dating?
Even if we were, you didn't necessarily see a new boyfriend on the holidays. You spent it with your family. Except mine wasn't here.
I snapped more pictures, watching as the wrapping paper piled up and covered the floor.
"You know what we need?" Ayla asked, her expression serious.
"A housekeeper?" I joked, even as my heart yearned for someone to be by my side.
She rolled her eyes. "A dog."
"Yeah, that would be something, wouldn't it? I'd bet he or she would love to play in the paper."
"We should get one."
"Remember this isn't our home. We're just here temporarily," I said gently.
She nodded. "I want to live in a house like this. There's so much space, and we can have a real tree."
"It is special." Hudson wasn't charging us market value for rent, and I had no idea what a house like this would even go for. I was positive it was more than I could afford. "The apartment is convenient. We can walk to work, your bus, and restaurants."
"It is nice."
But she wanted more. I should have given her everything she wanted, and she was just asking for what most kids already had,a home. Not a rental. A real home with a backyard and a dog. "What do you think Dad is doing?"
I laughed softly. "Sleeping? I don't know."
Her lower lip protruded.
She understood that parents didn't hang out when they were divorced. But I think she wanted to see him more. He wasn't interested in sharing experiences like this with her, and that was his loss.
He spent some time with her, and we should be grateful for that. He paid child support. He was a better dad than most. But he wasn't what Ayla needed, and that's why I divorced him.
I wanted a man to be all in with his daughter. To want to pick out presents and wrap them on Christmas Eve. Hudson had been here, and Ayla wasn't even his.
If Ayla's own father couldn't be the man she needed him to be, then why would someone else step into that role? That seemed unlikely to me, even as my mind drifted to last night.
Hudson: Merry Christmas.
Angela: Merry Christmas to you too!
There was something about texting him this morning that felt intimate. He wouldn't be talking to me if he didn't want to, if he didn't think that what we had was special, right?
