Did I want to leave myself vulnerable to a woman?
It wasn’t like any of them could be trusted.
For the last thirty minutes, Bootneck and Castle had been giving me a rundown of the businesses, and I hadn’t heard a word. Since my call with Aislynn the evening before, I couldn’t get my mind off what I was supposed to do next.
I knew I needed to put things on ice; I just didn’t know how. In my experience, women didn’t take kindly to rejection, and it wasn’t even like I wanted to end things for good. I just needed a break until everything else was more settled.
But selling that to her and asking her to wait was akin to having my cake and eating it, and I knew a girl like Ash wouldn’t like that one bit. She put up with a lot from me, but there was a limit, which I already knew I was riding dangerously close to.
Castle’s deep rumble pulled back into the conversation. “Are you listenin’?”
I sucked air in through my nose and sat straighter on my barstool. “I’m exhausted, brother. Can’t help zonin’ out.”
“You need to sleep,” Bootneck announced.
“No shit, Sherlock,” I deadpanned over the rim of my coffee mug. “Tell my fuckin’ brain that.”
“Go rest up,” he returned.
“Can’t. Aislynn will be here in a couple of hours.”
Castle’s head reared back slightly. “You still together? Thought you’d ended things. I haven’t seen her around for weeks.”
“And when exactly am I supposed to fit her in?” I retorted. “Between runnin’ this place, sortin’ the sheriff’s shit out in town, or maybe between callin’ around rehab centers for my boys’ mom ’cause she’s a ravin’ fuckin’ drug addict?”
“Whoa!” Castle exclaimed, holding his hands up defensively. “Wasn’t a criticism, more of an observation.”
“Right.” I backed off because I knew I was overreacting. I’d been snapping at my brothers a lot recently. I was tired and frustrated, and I knew I was taking my shit out on them.
I also knew it had to stop.
“Ignore me. I’m tired,” I muttered before draining my coffee cup.
“Well, I guess that’s as close to an apology as I’ll get, so I’ll take it.” He dipped his chin to catch my eyes. “What can I do to help?”
“Just keep pickin’ up the slack, brother. You’re both doing me a solid, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.”
“What are you gonna do about Ash?” Bootneck asked.
I leveled him with a look.
Lately, I’d gotten the distinct impression that he didn’t approve of Ash and me. I didn’t know why; maybe he noticed that I wasn’t treating her right, or maybe he was witnessing my slow decline. Either way, it was pissing me off.
“What do you think I should do?” I challenged.
His eyes darted between mine, and he must’ve read me right because he heaved out a breath. “I see you gettin’ pressure from all angles, Pagan, and I worry you’re gonna snap. You’re on a knife-edge, and sooner or later, someone else is gonna end up like Rodeo did ’cause everythin’ will come on top and you’ll lose the plot. I don’t want that person to be Aislynn. There’ll be no comin’ back from that.”
The thought of hurting myDubheasamade my throat burn. “I’d never hurt Aislynn.”
“You’re not sleepin’,” he reminded me. “And you still haven’t gone to the Vet Center to get help. I know you haven’t had time, and I get it, but if you fall asleep next to her and wake up while you’re in a fuckin’ flashback, who knows what could happen?”
I opened my mouth to object, but he waved me off. “I’m not sayin’ this to be a cunt, brother. I’m sayin’ it to try to help. I like Aislynn, but you gotta take care of yourself first, if you wanna take care of everyone else. There’s only so much a man can take before the pressure hits boilin’ point. Look at your priorities and take it from there.”
Castle shrugged. “Not often I say this, but Boot’s gotta point.”
My shoulders slumped defeatedly because they were right. “I don’t wanna end things with Aislynn. I just need her to chill for now. It feels wrong to ask her to take a step back. I’ve fucked her around far too much already.”
Castle drained his coffee and then checked his watch. “Just be honest with her. She’s cool; she’ll get it.” He pushed away from the bar and jerked his thumb toward the offices. “Gotta go arrange delivery for the buildin’ supplies comin’ tomorrow.”
