The boys approached, their eyes on the car as Ash started it up and slowly pulled away. “Sorry, Dad. We did our best,” Rome murmured.
“She’s really not happy with you,” Rex added. “You must’ve been a real idiot ’cause she seems the forgivin’ type.”
What could I say? They weren’t wrong.
How the fuck had I lost it all?
And why the fuck did I take it all for granted?
I was a goddamned idiot.
“What are you gonna do now, Dad?” Rex asked.
My stare followed Aislynn’s car as it sped down the road. “There’s nothin’ else for it, Son. Looks like I’ll have to knock her over the head with my club and drag her back to my clubhouse. Then I’ll lock her away and keep her hidden and make sure I’m the only other human she comes into contact with, until she develops Stockholm Syndrome and never wants to leave my side again.”
I grinned at my boys’ bursts of laughter.
They thought I was joking.
But I was already hatching a plan...
CHAPTER 22
AISLYNN
Over the next few weeks, I completely shut Pagan down. I blocked his number on everything, and when he turned up at the coffee shop, I got up, walked out of there, and headed straight to the salon, where I could hide behind Tristan and whatever customer he had at the time.
While Pagan was in my life, I wasn’t moving on, and I certainly wasn’t getting over it, despite how much time had passed. It had been months since the night I walked in on him with Saskia, and I still cried myself to sleep at night because I ached so much for him.
I hadn’t met with his boys, but I did keep in touch with them through Snapchat, sending little memes and GIFs. They were great kids, and in other circumstances, I would have loved the opportunity to get to know them, but it just seemed inappropriate when I wasn’t with their dad.
I’d heard about heartbreak, read about it in books, and listened to my friends pour their souls out to me when they had issues with their men, but to experience that emptiness inside, like there was a part of me missing, was a pain I’d never imagined.
Grief came in many forms, like losing my dad, for instance, but there was a finality to that, whereas knowing Pagan was alive and well somewhere just made me pine for him even more. I knew he was bad for me, and I knew I was better without him, but it didn’t stop the all-consuming ache.
I ate to stay alive; I washed, showered, dressed, and got through the day because I had no other choice, but the enjoyment I used to feel in everything I did faded, and I felt myself slipping away.
I read once that it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I started to curse the day I ever met Pagan Sinclair. I wished the night I’d walked away from him in the Lucky Shamrock was the end because I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive when everything seemed so bleak.
My days bled together. I saw my friends, went shopping, sent out resumes and job applications, and even hit Donovan’s gym for some workout classes with the girls. As far as everyone was concerned, I was a happy, content girl with a glittering career ahead of me, but on the inside, I was slowly dying.
The only time I felt a spark of life was on the odd occasion I saw Pagan. Now and again, he’d ride through town after a meeting with the Speed Demons, or I’d catch him coming out of the bar after he saw Maeve about increasing his drinks orders.
Whenever it happened, my heart would spark back to life, and then he’d leave, and it would break all over again. After a while, he stopped trying to contact me, and one night when I was helping out at the bar, I overheard a friend of Saskia’s saying that she’d disappeared because she spent all her time at the clubhouse with Pagan.
I told Callum I was sick, drove home, and cried for hours.
Being in Hambleton wasn’t helping me, so I decided to split my time between Denver and Wyoming, and it helped. At leastwhen I was in Colorado, I wasn’t looking out for a glimpse of Pagan on every street corner like I did at home.
I also started spending time with Kerry and Jada. They both still worked at Sketch but told me that since Richard had been ousted, things had gotten better. The new boss was tough and expected the best out of everyone, but nobody minded that, and at least they knew they wouldn’t be in danger of getting groped whenever they worked late.
We went to bars and restaurants, and I even went on a couple of dates. As nice as the guys were, that was also the problem; they weretoonice. I went through the motions and laughed in all the right places, but there was no spark.
Then one weekend, the Speed Demons decided to have a party, and everything changed.
—————
“Oh my God,”Kennedy spat, her gaze fixating on the direction of the door. “I swear, even the sight of her makes me sick. What the hell was Pagan thinking?”
