“What does?” Nicole asks. She drops a kiss on Heidi’s cheek before plopping down on the bar stool next to me. Though she’s my age and also Asian-American, she’s my physical opposite: tall where I’m short, slender where I am round, tanned where I am fair-skinned, muscular where I’m soft. Her short, black hair doesn’t have any hint of gray, either.
“Julia’s got a fated mate, and he’s a wulver,” Heidi says, biting off the words like they’re juicy watermelon.
I squawk indignantly. “Two seconds ago, you said he was a scammer!”
“That was before I knew he asked you to have his babies.”
“Ooooh!” Nicole says. “Man, I would have been out here way sooner if I knew the gossip was this good. Are you going to do it?”
“What do you think? Of course not.” My face is hot, and I want to cry again. “I’m old and married. I can’t have some guy’s puppies. Richard would never let me.”
They share a couple-look that contains a whole conversation.
“Babe,” Heidi begins, her tone careful and sympathetic. “If…don’t be mad that I’m asking this. But if Richard weren’t in the picture, would youwantto do it?”
“Heisin the picture,” I say stubbornly. I refuse to even think about other scenarios, because it will only make me sad. Sad for Ian because he won’t be able to have a family of his own, of course. Not for myself.
“Kind of,” Nicole mutters. She’s not a huge fan of Richard, either.
“He has to travel for work,” I protest. “He has a very demanding business. He’s supported me for twenty-plus years.”
She makes a noncommittal noise. “You’ve supported him, too. Cleaned his house and cooked his meals and sucked his dick and raised his kids and kissed his ass and looked the other way when—”
“Nic!” Heidi says sharply, cutting her off.
“What? She deserves better, and you know it.” Nicole’s jaw is set, and her mouth is drawn into an angry pucker as she and Heidi have a staring contest across the counter. Nicole breaks first, sighing heavily. “Sorry, Jules. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s none of our business.”
“It’s a little bit your business,” I whisper. I’m always bringing my problems to Heidi and Nicole, and that’s not fair to them. I need to deal with them on my own. I slide off the bar stool. “I should go.”
“Oh no you don’t.” Nicole grabs my arm and hoists me back onto it. “We are going to feed you first.”
“And hug you and tell you you’re pretty,” Heidi adds, and I try not to sniffle. My friends really are the best.
When the timer dings, Heidi serves up big bowls of spicy chili and heavenly squares of her honey-basted cornbread, and we carry them out to the back patio. Both are too hot for the still-sunny evening, but we eat and sweat and laugh and talk about how we miss our college kids.
But the whole time in the back of my mind, I’m still turning over that scary question:Would I want to have Ian’s puppies if Richard weren’t in the picture?
Would I want to have more babies? Help someone else become a parent? If I’m being honest with myself, there’s nothing I’d want more.
“Yes,” I blurt out, interrupting the conversation. “If Richard wasn’t…Richard, I would.” I don’t elaborate. They know what I’m talking about.
“Then you should do it.” Heidi reaches across the table to pat the back of my hand. “It’s your body. You’re the one who’d be carrying the babies, not him.”
“Yeah, fuck Richard,” Nicole adds. “Or actually, don’t fuck him.”
“No worries there,” I say dryly. “Richard only fucks out of town.”
Nicole cracks up. “There’s our girl. I was worried we lost you there for a minute.”
“I can put you in touch with our gestational carrier if you want to ask her what it was like to have a baby for someone else,” Heidi offers. I’d forgotten that they used a carrier to have Matthew.
“That would be great. I mean, to talk to her.” I still don’t know if it’s a good idea. But the more I think about it, the more I want to do it.
Chapter 5
Ian
Istare at the short list of book titles on my screen, willing another message to come through, but Julia doesn’t text me again. I type and delete a response to her at least ten times, but I don’t send it.
