I raise an eyebrow at that. “Never?”
She shakes her head, something sparking in her eyes. “It’s kinda fun.”
“That’s why they call it a pajama party, I guess.”
She snorts at my dumb joke. I love seeing her carefree like this. “Don’t worry, I won’t wear them to the grocery store,” she assures me.
“I wasn’t worried. You can wear them anywhere you want. Like I said, they’re cute. You’re cute,” I add, a little more seriously. I reach out and catch her hand in mine, tugging her closer so I can give her a totally-friend-appropriate-if-it-weren’t-for-the-boner hug. “I’m glad you came.”
“I’m glad you invited me. It was good timing. I was thinking tonight that”—she pauses, breath puffing white in the chilly air, body heat seeping through our thin pajama pants so I can feelher warmth where our thighs touch—”I would like to be in their lives. Our pups, I mean.”
Now I really am shocked, but I have enough presence of mind not to let go of her. “Good. Great! I’m surprised. I mean…what changed for you?”
“I was talking to Heidi and Nicole when they came over for dinner tonight. They were kind of…challenging me on some things. Saying they wanted me to be happy. I could hardly even imagine what that would mean, being happy. All I could think about is what I’d lose in the divorce. But later, I was lying in bed, looking at the pictures you sent of Meg and Conall’s litter, and I realized that it would make me happy to nurse our babies. To know their little personalities and watch them grow up. I set that boundary for Richard, not for me. He didn’t even demand it. I just pre-emptively denied myself the happiness of knowing my own children in the hopes it would…I don’t know. Placate him. Earn some kind of points. But it won’t. So why am I doing it?” She looks up at me like I might know the answer.
Thank fuck for Heidi and Nicole. I knew they were real ones. “You tell me.”
She shakes her head. “He’s had me jumping through hoops so long, I’ve forgotten that I never wanted to be a circus dog. Honestly, I don’t think he wanted one, either. That’s just how our dynamic ended up. Like he wanted someone to take care ofhis house and kids, but it also kind of disgusted him that I didn’t have higher aspirations.”
“Higher?!” I bark. “What fucking aspiration is higher than raising your kids?”
She shakes her head, unable to answer. “I thought he pushed me to be perfect so he could be proud of me, so I tried to live up to his expectations. But no matter what I do, he finds some reason to tear me down. I don’t think he wants to be proud of me, Ian. He just wants to feel powerful at my expense.”
I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight to me as I stare at the sky, throat aching. I want to kill him for making this constant, delicate dance her life. Always worried about getting it right and never being able to please him. “I wish you could leave,” I rasp, knowing it’s not that simple, especially if he’s as dangerous as Ben says he is.
“I know. I’m sorry it’s not easier for you. For both of us. I need time to figure out what my life is going to look like, having two families, and explain it to my girls. Then I’ll deal with breaking the news to Richard. I’ll be fine in the meantime. As you’ve probably noticed, he’s rarely home, anyway.”
“Whatever is good for you is good for me,” I assure her, meaning it. Of course, I’d rather she was living in my house, but if she’s safe and happy, I’m happy. And I know what will make her happy right now. “You want to come inside where it’s warm and meet some pups?”
She nods eagerly, and I lead her into the snug living room where the whole family greets her with whispers and smiles. Ben stands, ears perked, and crosses the room to join us.
“Julia,” he says, frowning, and her fingers tighten around mine. I squeeze her hand to let her know I have her back. If he starts grilling her like he did before, I’ll step in. “I heard you’re expecting—congratulations. How are you doing?”
“Oh.” The relief in her voice is palpable. “I’m fine, thank you. Feeling much better this week.”
“Enjoy it, it goes quickly,” Ben’s mate, Miel, says, smiling shyly from behind him. A quiet, blonde wulver, she’s nearly Ben’s opposite in appearance and personality. He’s lucky he has her to balance him out, and he knows it. She steps forward, a red newborn pup in her arms. “This is Hawthorn, if you’d like to hold him?”
“Oh, he’s precious,” Julia gushes as Miel passes him over. “Those ears are the sweetest I’ve ever seen. He got the Lyall fur, too, how cute.”
“He’s the biggest of the four. All the pups are a really good size, though. I don’t know how Meg did it,” Miel confides. “She’s amazing.”
“How big were yours?” Julia asks her, still admiring Hawthorn.
“My first litter, most were about three pounds. I think with the twins, one of them was maybe an ounce over four, and I thought that was huge! You’ve had human babies, though, so pups will be a piece of cake for you.”
The two of them continue chatting about pregnancy and birth while Ben and I fetch us all something to drink, and then I spend the next two hours with my arm around my mate while she holds each of our new nephews and niece in turn, exclaiming over them, rocking them, and singing softly to them in her magical little voice when they stir. Every once in a while, she looks over at me with this expression of pure joy, just to share it with me.
Goddamn if I’m not the happiest wolf under the moon tonight.
Chapter 26
Julia
Iwake up on someone else’s sofa, snuggled into Ian’s armpit. There’s a kink in my neck and the sun’s shining in my eyes, but I’ve never been comfier. It was so late by the time I’d had my fill of chatting with Ian’s family and holding those sweet little pups that I let myself drift off against his solid, warm side, and I’m not sorry.
I should go. I have to work today, and I definitely can’t go to the bookstore as a purple-PJ, no-makeup fashion disaster or I’ll risk the wrath of Lashleigh.
I really need to stop calling her names in my head. I’m an adult, really. It’s just easier to complain about my manager than it is to admit that I’m embarrassed to be struggling to keep up at an entry-level retail job.
