As in, I got treatment and stopped having sex with him, and he didn’t care because he was still getting it somewhere else. Now that I think about it, that wasn’t really a solution, even though it kept us afloat. It was just a patch on a very leaky boat.
“Heidi, can I talk to you for a second?” Nicole sounds strained. Heidi nods, and they retreat to the pantry a few yards away. Even though they close the door, I can hear them perfectly.
“Don’t lose your shit,” Heidi tells her.
“How am I supposed to keep my mouth shut when she’s like this?” Nicole hisses. “She is still defending him!”
“You have to give her credit for trying to make it work. Marriage is hard.”
“Ours isn’t.”
“We’re the exception. Plus, we’ve had our bumps in the road. They just weren’t as big.”
Nicole snorts. “Arguing over what color to paint the kitchen cabinets is not a bump.”
Heidi sighs heavily. “Just…try to be compassionate.”
“I am compassionate. Toher. Just not to thatprick.”
The lump in my throat feels like it’s going to choke me. Oddly, it reminds me that I’m hungry. Starving, now that I think about it. I turn on the oven to preheat.
“When you guys are done talking about me, can you bring me the potatoes in there? The Yukon golds,” I call through the pantry door, getting the fish out of the fridge again. When they emerge,looking a little sheepish, with the bag of potatoes, I ask, “Want to stay for dinner?”
They stay. Nicole hauls my kimchi containers over from their garage fridge and loads them back into mine while Heidi helps me prep the food. We talk about lighter topics while we eat. It’s fun, but there’s still some tension in the air. They’re being too careful with me, and I can’t stand it.
I finally put down my fork. “I know, okay? I know that it’s not good. My marriage to Richard is basically only on paper, and we’re way past resuscitating it with counseling or anything like that. That has become glaringly apparent since Molly left for college. I’m trying to figure my shit out. The next steps. How to support myself. Where I’m going to live. How to break it to the girls. What is out there for me. It’s just hard to see the future. I thought it was going to look a certain way, and it’s going to be different, and that’s really hard to accept.”
My voice cracks, and I stop. It’s the first time I’ve voiced any of this, even to my closest friends, who are both looking at me with big, sad eyes.
“Don’t do that, or I’ll cry again,” I warn.
Heidi switches to a wan smile. “We just want you to be happy. I know I’ve said this before, but we have a pull-out in the den. You can come live with us for as long as you want, if you need to.”
“Roomies!” Nicole says. She sounds so gleeful that I crack a smile. “Seriously, Jules. The house is so quiet without Matthew at home. We wouldn’t mind the company.”
“Thank you. I mean it. I’m okay for now. I am focused on having a healthy pregnancy, and it’s making me happy to give someone the gift of parenthood. Richard and I mostly stay out of each other’s way. Nothing has to change right away. I just wanted you to know that Iknow. I’m working on it. And I’m sorry if it makes you frustrated or worried about me. You don’t have to be. It’s my problem to fix.”
“Okay. We’re here for you, though.”
“You can tell us everything.” Nicole wiggles her eyebrows. “Like whether you spit or swallow that nutritional treatment.”
Heidi howls.
“I told you, it’s not a BJ!” I say between giggles.
“If you say so,” she teases.
Honestly, a date with Ian is probably more dangerous than a blow job. Having his attention is addictive after so many years of being starved of my husband’s.
I honestly feel so bad for dragging Ian into this mess. It’s not his responsibility to fix any of it, and I’m trying to do right by him by keeping him at arm’s length, but that little word on the card is throbbing in the back of my mind as we wash up from dinnerand I say goodbye to my best friends. As I shower and brush my teeth. As I lie in bed, trying to drift off to sleep.
Love, Ian.
Can he mean it after only a month of knowing me?
Chapter 25
Ian
