“And yet you followed me.” My chest aches, struggling with the brutal reality.
“I don’t understand any of this. Why am I here? Why is it like this, Ethan?”
“It’s because you think fear and desire are opposites,” he says as he stops in front of me, so close I can feel his warmth.
“That’s not true,” I say, unable to comprehend his reasoning.
I look at him, at the perfect posture, perfect clothing, and the controlled breathing. The absence behind his eyes. I always knew something was wrong from the beginning, that’s why I was so curious about him. From the way he looked at me like hunger for another person was normal. From how his voice never evoked feelings. I just didn’t want to admit how much that wrongness pulled at me.
“You manipulate me,” I say.
“Yes.”
“You lie.”
“Yes.”
“You isolate me.”
“Yes.”
“You scare me,” I say as my voice cracks ever so slightly.
His expression softens, but it’s not with kindness, it’s with a sick satisfaction.
“And you feel more alive than you ever did before me.”
The words strike too true and I hate that. I hate himfor knowing and I hate myself for feeling it. My thoughts drift to Sarah and the small apartment where dislike for one another has grown like mold. The arguments about money when we didn’t have it compared to now when we do. I remember the way her eyes hardened after my father died, like grief turned her into stone and how I ignored the changes.
When Ethan made us that offer, I was so tired of trying. So tired of being the only one still reaching. And now I see that with Ethan, I don’t reach, I fucking freefall.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” I say, defeated.
“You’re becoming who you are meant to be,” he says.
“No, I’ve always been good.”
“This is better,” he says, voice like gravel and I shake my head.
“You’re changing me.”
“I am revealing your true self.”
“You’re breaking me, it was your goal all along. You warned me and I didn’t listen.”
His body is fully aligned with mine now and he tilts my head back with his hand on my chin, forcing us to face each other.
“I’m stripping away what was already dead.”
Tears sting my eyes but I don’t let them fall.
“I should hate you.”
“But you don’t. You need me, Leo. This is it. One can’t be without the other. I won’t let it happen.”
“I should leave.”
“You won’t.”
