“What about you?” Van asked. “Is he restrained from coming near you?”
“No. I told my family I made the whole thing up.”
“You what?”
Joshua shrugged. “Maybe it was a moronic thing to do, but at the time I was so fucking angry, Van. I can’t even describe to you how it felt to be ten years old and have your parents accuse you of making it up when you say your uncle abused you. My father fucking spanked me for lying and for keeping up the lie. I hated him so much. I hated all of them. Five fucking years go by, and suddenly Kirk is caught in the act, confesses to what he did to me, and now I’m telling the truth? Fuck that.”
He shoved away from the table, his emotions taking over. So much rage and frustration from those early years that he’d never truly, properly vented. “The only thing I’d tell the police was I didn’t remember. Three therapists tried to get me to talk, and I refused. I was a stubborn little bastard, but Kirk is out of our lives, so what the fuck does it matter anymore?”
“Josh.” Van pulled him back against his chest, lean arms right around his middle. Chin on his shoulder, his fruit-scented breath puffing across Joshua’s cheek. “Hey, it’s okay.”
God, Joshua was trembling and so close to tears he could scream for the weakness. “I hate them so much, and I’m so goddamn tired of hating them. It’s exhausting.”
“Then stop hating them. You’re allowed to let it go. Letthemgo. You’re allowed to heal and move on.”
“But they’re my family.”
“Blood doesn’t make someone family.” Van turned him gently and cupped both cheeks in his palms. Joshua grabbed his hips and held on tight, needing the solid anchor of the man in front of him. “I know that better than anyone. You are allowed to be happy, Joshua. If your family is toxic, cut them out. Wash your hands. Walk away. No contact. Use whatever term you like best, but stop hurting yourself to punish them.”
Is that what I’m doing? Staying angry and distant to hurt them?
How had he not seen that until now?
Oh yeah, he didn’t talk about the past. Ever. He’d told Benji the broad strokes when they first started dating, but they’d never sat down and unpacked the emotions of it all like this. No one had ever held up a metaphorical mirror and made Joshua see how much his own anger was poisoning him inside.
“Should I have let them take care of me after the accident?” Joshua asked, barely recognizing his own voice. “Was it selfish to shut them out?”
“It was the absolute best kind of selfish. You did what you needed to do for you, not for them, by recovering with Benji’s family. And by taking time off from a job that was killing you, simply so you could show them how successful you were. How good you were.”
Is that what I did? Slaved away at IT for good money and travel expenses, to show them I wasn’t the weakest link?
“I never saw it that way,” Joshua said. “But you’re right. My siblings are all at least once-divorced, with low-wage jobs they jump between simply to keep the lights on. My parents are serial cheaters who never wanted me in the first place. Especially my father.” He held Van’s gaze, speaking a truth he’d only ever told Benji. “I’m not even his.”
Van’s eyebrows jumped. “Biologically?”
“Yeah. He got a vasectomy two years before I was born, and he’s pale, skinny, and Irish. So’s my mother.” Joshua swept a hand up and down, indicating his light brown skin that could have been a dark tan, but wasn’t. “I kind of stand out from my siblings.”
“He resented you because you were physical proof of your mother cheating.”
“Exactly. Everything was my fault, nothing I did was right. He beat me with a belt the first time I told him about Kirk, and again five years later when I refused to talk to the police.”
Van’s entire body stiffened, his face going sharp, feral. Like he was one more confession away from driving north to commit acts of violence against Paul Lansing for daring to lay a hand on Joshua. He battled with something internally that played out in his eyes, before finally settling. “It wasn’t your fault. Not any of it.”
“Yeah. But I didn’t know that then.”
“It’s okay. What’s important is you know it now, and you start living the life you want to live. Not the life you think willimpress your parents. Fuck them. Live foryouand for me and for Benji.”
Joshua’s throat closed, and even Van seemed close to tears. So, Joshua hugged Van tight, needing the warmth of his arms and the hard thump of his heart. They held each other a long time, standing in the small space between living room and kitchen. Van had refocused everything for Joshua. No more trying to make his cold parents proud. No more toiling away at a mind-numbing job that kept him away from home for months on end.
No more pretending he wasn’t in love with two very different, but very amazing men.
“I need a new job,” Joshua said.
Van chuckled. “Yeah, you do. I’d suggest Off Beat, but nepotism only goes so far during winter hours.”
“It’s okay, I don’t think bar life is for me.”
“Hotels are big business around here.”
