“How could Emmett know that?”
“They work together at Off Beat. Van gave Emmett a ride.”
Off Beat. What were the chances Van was the name of the bartender Benji had flirted with? The guy Benji remembered was definitely someone who would appeal to Joshua. But he didn’t pursue that line of questioning, because Benji really didn’t care. This was about his and Joshua’s relationship.
“I can’t believe you drove here,” Joshua said with the same tender smile that used to make Benji’s knees turn to jelly.
Tonight it kind of made Benji want to punch him. “I couldn’t put this conversation off any longer, and the timing worked. After this weekend, our schedule wouldn’t get me this close again for weeks, and I can’t do this over the phone.”
Joshua’s entire face fell. “Fuck. Are you breaking up with me?”
“That’s up to you, Josh.” Benji’s belly wobbled. He hadn’t said this out loud toanyoneyet, only typed it into a few chat room conversations. Conversations that had cemented his decision to be honest with Joshua as soon as possible. “I know you think I’ve gotten clingy since the accident, and on some level, yes, that terrified me. I saw how much I had to lose. When they told me you were going to fully recover, I cried harder than I ever have in my life.”
His throat tightened, strangled by the memory of those awful hours spent wondering if Joshua would live or die. Wondering if he’d lose part of his heart.
Joshua’s chin trembled. “I still have nightmares about the accident.”
“I know you do. I think we all do. But while you were home recovering at my parents’ house, I think I got used to having you all to myself. To knowing you weren’t fucking anyone else. I got attached to that. And I guess I thought maybe I was finally enough for you. I started to hope we’d be just the two of us.”
“Benji,” Joshua said softly, almost like an apology.
“I know.” He held both hands in the air, palm out. “My fault for assuming, right? But I also . . .” Benji swallowed against his nausea. “This summer I also figured out something about myself, and looking back it explains a lot of my past behaviors. Like the fact that I, uh, never actually slept with anyone outside of our relationship.”
“What?” Joshua stared at him like he’d sprouted a third eye from his forehead. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Dead serious.”
“But . . . all of the gigs you’ve played and fans you’ve met . . . you’ve seriously never slept with anyone else?”
“No.”
“We’ve gone months with no physical contact with each other. The open relationship is so we don’t start to resent the other person for being on the road. For us being apart.” All things Joshua had used in the past to defend his position on their status.
Benji shrugged. “Being open is what you said you wanted, especially when your job had you start traveling so much. I understood that you needed the freedom to get off with someone while we were apart, and that no matter what, you loved me and no one else. Plus, not all of us actually live up to the slutty rockstar stereotype. I didn’t want to have sex with anyone but you. I still don’t.”
Joshua was staring at him with the oddest look on his face, as if Benji had just made a good case for Justin Bieber as an important artist. “Fuck me, nowIfeel like some kind of slut.”
“Please don’t.” Benji took a few steps closer, putting Joshua within arm’s reach. “This isn’t about your actions. It’s about mine, and I’m working my way up to telling you something.”
“You not sleeping around wasn’t the big something? You’re not pregnant, are you?”
Benji couldn’t stop a bark of bitter laughter. “That might be easier to say out loud.”
“Ben, please, tell me.”
“I think I’m asexual.”
Joshua stared. “You’re what?”
“Asexual.” Benji’s stomach rolled. “Um, it means I don’t feel sexual attraction. Not the way everyone else does.”
“I don’t understand.” His eyes widened. “Shit, did you not want to have sex with me all of the times we slept together?”
“No, I did. Of course I did.” Shit, he was screwing his up all over the place. Benji didn’t ever want Joshua to think he wasn’t into it when they’d had sex in the past. “Asexual doesn’t necessarily mean I don’tlikesex. Some aces do enjoy the physical act and have a sex drive, some only do it to please a partner, and some are totally turned off by it. There’s actually a lot of diversity there, and a whole lot of other labels under the asexual umbrella, like gray-A and demisexual, but that’s probably too complicated for this conversation.”
Joshua didn’t look any less confused. “So if you aren’t attracted to me, why did you start dating me in the first place?” Now he sounded hurt, which hadn’t been Benji’s intention, but this wasn’t about Joshua. This was Benji’s coming out.
“I was attracted to you, Josh, just notsexuallyattracted. I was romantically attracted, aesthetically attracted, emotionally attracted. All of those things can be separated from having sexual attraction. It’s how I used to think I was gay, because I had all of those other non-sexual attractions toward guys, instead of girls. One of the terms I’ve seen for that is homo-romantic. When I jerked off, I thought of guys. Not of actually doing anything sexy with a guy, like in real life, but their faces or voices. And I always blamed not acting on my interest in guys, not dating anyone before I met you, on the middle school bullying.”
