Oh, it’s on.
“Check, please,” Van said.
Joshua lay awake long after Benji and Van fell asleep, their breathing evening out into gentle snores. After being fucked through the mattress once more by Van, with Benji watching and occasionally giving orders, they’d cleaned up and tumbledinto bed. Cuddling Benji between himself and Van was his new favorite thing, and the queen-sized bed had them all pressed close.
We need a bigger bed.
Despite his physical exhaustion, Joshua couldn’t sleep. He stared at the ceiling, keenly aware of Benji’s hand on his chest, and unable to shake a sense of guilt over the conversation at dinner.
He hated how relieved he’d been when Benji decided not to tell the band about their threesome yet, and it had everything to do with the secret Joshua was keeping from him—and, by extension, from Van. The cancelled venues and latent homophobia that had been the cause of their unexpected October vacation. If a few pictures of Benji making out with a dude could cause this kind of ripple in the band’s career, announcing he was in a poly relationship could be devastating.
The band obviously hadn’t mentioned anything to Benji about the secret they were keeping, because if he’d found out he was the cause of cancelled shows, Benji would have come to Joshua with it. Benji deserved to know the truth, but Joshua also understood why he hadn’t been told.
It certainly left Joshua in a tricky situation, basically lying to two men—one man he’d loved for years, and another he was slowly but surely falling in love with. Benji’s declaration at dinner hadn’t surprised Joshua as much as it could have; Benji wore his heart on his sleeve. All of the trust and affection he’d shown Van in such a short time period meant a lot.
Maybe Van was who he needed all along, and I was just a stand-in.
Scary thoughts for three in the morning, and they plagued him through restless dreams of being hunted in a foggy forest by an unknown enemy. He ran and ran, and still the enemy lurked, waiting to catch him unaware. To tear him down and destroyhim. Take away everything good in his life and leave him alone, unwanted. Unloved.
“Joshua, wake up.”
He snapped awake, hands flailing in front of his face. Benji captured his arms and held them tight, his forehead creased with worry lines. Joshua relaxed into the pillow and took several deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart.
“What’s up?” Van asked groggily.
“Sorry,” Joshua said. “Bad dream.”
“In a bed with all this sexy hotness?” Benji teased. “I think I’m insulted.”
He tugged Benji down for a hug. “Sorry to disappoint. Stupid brain.”
“Hey, don’t insult the man I love.” Benji somehow rolled them so Joshua was in the middle of the bed, book-ended by him and Van. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not much to talk about. It was all too vague, mostly a sense of being chased by something awful.”
Van bent his elbow and rested his head on his hand. “You have nightmares a lot? Or was it being in a strange bed?”
It’s probably guilt over lying to my boyfriends.
“I had more nightmares when I was an adolescent,” Joshua admitted. “It was a crazy confusing time for me. Not only had a trusted adult made me suck his dick twice when I didn’t want to, but as I got older I starting figuring out I liked girls and guys, and the guy part freaked me out because of what Kirk did. But in high school, there was a Gay-Straight Alliance, and joining that helped me figure out what it meant to be bi, and that the abuse had nothing to do with it. The nightmares got better.”
Benji curled up close and rested his head on Joshua’s shoulder. “They got bad again after the car accident.”
“Yeah.” He ruffled Benji’s wild hair. “Almost dying fucks with your head a little.”
Van tensed. “I know this isn’t sexy pillow talk, but I have to admit, when I found out Emmett had caused that car accident, I was surprised you guys forgave him so easily.”
“I don’t know if I’d call it easy.” Joshua had struggled with a lot of pent-up anger over the car accident and his own long recovery, but he’d gotten through it with Benji’s love and support. “The kid has been through hell and back, with his family being killed and all. Having him arrested wouldn’t have helped anyone.”
“I think we all felt that way,” Benji added. “Do you think your nightmare was about the accident?”
“Maybe. Maybe it was my subconscious reminding me how much I have to lose.”
“Some people move in and out of your life, and all you can do is love them while they’re there.”
“And others hope to stay for a long time,” Van said softly.
The bald emotion in his voice made Joshua’s heart turn over. He tugged Van down, into a one-armed embrace. With the other, he held Benji harder against him. They settled like that, a content threesome, a pile of arms and legs and beating hearts, with so many unsaid things floating above them. Declarations and secrets and uncertainties about their future.
