“It’s not that dramatic,” Benji said. “But it was definitely awkward. See, I noticed Joshua the first day of class. It was an elective he needed to fulfill a requirement and something I wastaking for fun. Joshua told me later that he noticed me, too, that first day. But I was incredibly shy and after having been homeschooled, a big campus freaked me out, so I bolted every time class was dismissed. Apparently, Joshua’s way of getting my attention was to make sure we worked on an assignment together.
“We met in the commons to discuss it, and we really connected on a personal level. For about five hours we talked about everything except the project, which meant we had to meet again. And again. Two weeks of this, fitting in face time every day, until we turned in the project. After class, Joshua asked if I wanted to go see a movie to celebrate our work, and I figured why the hell not?”
Van clucked his tongue. “Let me guess. Joshua was asking you on a date, but you didn’t realize it?”
“Bingo.” Date hadn’t even been on Benji’s mind that entire evening, not from a casual dinner of burgers at a local hotspot, to sitting in the back row during the movie. “But again, this is me, a guy who’d never been asked out on a date before, much less by someone so incredibly good-looking.”
Joshua had regained his composure and was watching Benji with hearts in his eyes. “He was so nervous,” Joshua said. “I could tell he was, even though he still denies it. I thought he was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen, and I was hella attracted to him. I’d half-expected him to turn me down for the date, so I was careful not to be too forward. Apparently I wasn’t forward enough in making my intentions clear.”
“He wasn’t,” Benji said with a laugh. “Looking back I can see it, but then I was so fucking clueless.”
“You were perfect.”
“So after the movie we’re walking back to his car, which is this beat-up rust bucket that’s so old it doesn’t even haveautomatic locks. Joshua follows me to my side to unlock it with his key.”
“I wanted to kiss him so badly,” Joshua said. “Hell, I’d wanted to kiss him since the first day of class, so I think I get points for waiting as long as I did to plant one on you.”
Benji snickered, enjoying the intently amused look on Van’s face as he listened to them tag-team the story. “He unlocks the door, and then pulls the handle, which is so surprisingly gentlemanly of him, that I turn to thank him.”
“I figure I’ll catch him off guard and go for that kiss. So I swoop in right as he turns around.”
“And I’m so startled by him being right there that I react out of instinct and head butt him.”
Van gasped.
Joshua hung his head. “He broke my nose with his forehead.”
“Because he terrified me.” Old fear swamped Benji’s entire being, leaving him chilly and unsettled. Joshua had no reason to suspect Benji would react so violently to something as simple as a kiss, because he’d never told Joshua that part of his past. He’d admitted to a little bit of it on the drive to the emergency room that night, then told Joshua the full story several months later.
“Hey.” Van squeezed his wrist, and the grounding touch brought Benji back. Worry simmered in his eyes. “What happened just now?”
Benji twisted his wrist until he could hold Van’s hand, palm to palm. “Remembering the past.”
“If I’d known Benji’s history, I never would have tried to surprise him,” Joshua said. “I felt like such as ass when he told me.”
Van didn’t ask, which only encouraged Benji to tell him. To be straight with a guy who respected boundaries unlike anyone he’d ever met before, accepting what he was given without demanding more.
“Growing up an Army brat, we moved a lot,” Benji said. “And I was always shy, so I had trouble making friends. I was shorter than the other kids, generally smaller, kind of effeminate, so I got picked on. When I was thirteen, it turned into flat-out bullying. We’d moved to North Carolina, and from day one I was called queer, fag, and homo. They’d stalk my MySpace account and send hateful messages, so I ended up unplugging completely. People tripped me in the halls and drew pictures of dicks and balls on my locker. One day after gym, I found my clean clothes in a full sink, soaked through.”
Benji glanced at Van, unsurprised to see the intense anger in his eyes, but the rest of his face controlled. Benji had made peace with these things years ago, but the effects of the bullying still lingered in a shadow that moved too fast, or a guy who tried to surprise him with a kiss.
“My freshman year of high school was both a revelation and pure torture. The revelation was playing in the band. I found people I could relate to, and it’s probably why I glommed on so hard toGleeafter a classmate mentioned it. But I was still being bullied, and it got physical some days. I’d come home limping from being tripped or kicked, and my dad would try to get me to talk to him about it, but I wouldn’t.
“Then this one day, a few weeks into the school year, I was being harassed in the hallway between classes, and this other kid, a sophomore, steps in to defend me. Ritchie. He was on the JV football team and kind of big, so the other guys backed off. Ritchie and I started hanging around together after school, sometimes on weekends. I had my first real friend in a long time. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if he was flirting with me or not, because I had no experience with it, I only knew I preferred guys, you know? And he wasniceto me.”
His stomach quivered with nerves. He didn’t want to see Van’s quiet anger or Joshua’s calm understanding, so he told therest to the remnants of his mango smoothie. “This one Sunday, we’re at his house watching a movie. It was a low-budget, soft-core kind of movie, and at one point, I see he’s rubbing himself. I was shocked and intrigued, because he was so blatant about it. Not even caring I was right there. He was rubbing at what looked like a big package.
“He notices me looking and asks, ‘You ever seen a hard dick up close before?’ And I say no, I haven’t. So he says, ‘It’s okay if you want to look at it. I like you, Benji. Really like you.’ I was thrilled to know someone liked me, and I liked him back, of course, and for one instant, I really, genuinely thought he meant it. Even back then I knew I had an inclination toward guys, so I told him I liked him too, and I’d like to see his prick.”
Benji’s throat tightened, and he blinked hard several times to clear his stinging eyes. “Ritchie opened his pants, and he pulled out a big pink dildo. He smacked me in the face with it hard enough to make my eyes water, then shouted, ‘Here’s a dick for you, you fucking faggot.’ A bunch of his friends ran into the room, some of them recording us on their phones. Another guy had an actual camcorder. I tried to bolt, but Richie shoved me down on the floor, and the other kids held me down while Ritchie shoved that dildo into my mouth, telling me to ‘suck it, faggot.’ ”
A shiver lanced down his spine as those awful moments came back like they were happening all over again. The overwhelming terror of being helpless, of being weak and unable to stop whatever they were going to do. Remembering stories of other gay kids who’d been killed, wondering if he was going to die too.
Warm hands cupped his cheeks, gently tilting his head to the side. Van knelt in front of him, so concerned it broke Benji’s heart a little bit. “We’re right here,” Van whispered. “Both of us are here for you.”
He sensed Joshua behind him before another hand clasped the back of his neck, softly kneading the tense muscles. Benji leaned into that touch, while he held Van’s gaze and finished his horror story. “Ritchie kept choking me with the dildo, telling me get it nice and wet for when he stuffed it up my ass. Other guys pulled off my jeans and underwear, and I about pissed myself I was so scared. They tied my arms and ankles, then gagged and blindfolded me. Carried me out of the house and into a car. I could barely breathe around the gag, and my nose was stuffed from crying. I started praying, positive I was going to die soon.
“The car ride lasted forever, and someone kept smacking me with the dildo, on the backs of my legs or my ass, then threatening to fuck me with it. When the car finally stopped, I remembering thinking this is it, I’m going to die now. They tossed me out, into some grass. I did piss myself then, which only made them all laugh harder. Someone screamed, ‘Stay out of our school, fag!’ Then the car drove away.”
