This was the part Van hated. The part that involved feelings and the future, and the whole thing made him wish he’dleft when he had the chance. Now he was stuck having this conversation, and he had no idea what they would want from him, much less what he wanted.
Liar. I want them.
He’d only kissed Benji, but he’d gladly do that for hours without going further. And Joshua? He wanted that ass again. And again.
“I guess we do,” Van said. He followed them into the living room. Benji and Joshua sat together on the couch, leaving enough room between them for Van to sit. He couldn’t do that, though. He moved some things around on the coffee table and perched across from them. Still the other in this group, he liked being able to face them both head-on. See both of their faces at the same time.
It meant a lot that they stayed put, instead of crowding closer together.
“I suppose we should start by making sure everyone is okay with what we just did,” Joshua said. “The sex. Van?”
“I’m very okay with it,” Van replied. “No regrets.”
“Ben?”
Benji grinned. “It was my idea, wasn’t it?”
“Not an answer.”
“Yes, I’m okay with it. I didn’t initiate it expecting to participate at all, but I’m good with everything we did.”
“Can I ask Benji something?” Van said. After two eager nods, he continued. “I think I may know the answer to this, but why did you need me to leave the room earlier?”
Both of Benji’s cheeks pinked up, but he held eye contact. “I don’t know you all that well, Van. It took months for Joshua and me to develop our sexual relationship to a comfortable place for me. There was trust and intimacy first, before the physical stuff.”
“That’s what I assumed, but I wanted to be sure. I don’t want to do anything to hurt either of you, or to damage your relationship.”
“You haven’t. We all three wanted what happened today.”
“So what happens now?” Today he was fine with; tomorrow worried him. “Was this a one-time thing to get it out of our systems?”
Joshua and Benji shared one of those couple-y looks where they seemed to know what the other was thinking. “Is that what you want?” Joshua asked Van.
Hell no.“I’m not half of an established couple,” Van replied. “What do you guys want?”
“Maybe not, but your feelings matter too,” Benji said. “This happened between the three of us, so we’re all involved. Joshua and I aren’t going to gang up on you. There are three distinct sets of feelings going on here.”
“But you two have so much history.”
“And it will always be there.” Benji picked at the inseam of his jeans. “Watching you and Joshua today was breathtaking. I never in my life thought I’d get off on watching him with another guy, never mind the way you fucked him. The intensity and chemistry of it.” He glanced at Joshua. “And I loved seeing you get something you’ve clearly been lacking.”
Joshua parted his lips, perhaps to protest that last statement. He didn’t, though. “I loved it. Being fucked like that.” He wilted a bit, and Van resisted the urge to squeeze his knee. “I’m sorry, babe.”
“For what?” Benji tilted Joshua’s head, so he kept eye contact. “For being honest? I know my limitations in bed, believe me, and I’m starting to understand more why you wanted to see other people. And don’t tell me it’s because of the whole ‘afraid to cheat’ thing. You needed something I couldn’t give you.”
Joshua nodded, clearly unhappy with the personality assessment, but it made perfect sense to Van. Joshua loved Benji, and they had a strong emotional bond, but Benji had limits to what he wanted from sex, and that was okay too. They weren’t always compatible in the one thing that set Joshua and Van on fire.
“Can you tell us about that?” Van asked. “The other people?”
“I guess it’s what Ben said,” Joshua said, speaking more to his lap than either of them. “I love what we do together in bed, and I love how shy and awkward you are sometimes. It’s actually a huge turn-on. But sometimes, especially when we were apart for months, I needed a hard fuck. We all know I’m bi, so sometimes I’d bang a girl I was attracted to, or I’d find a guy who wanted to nail me to the floor, and it was a great release. But like you said, babe, there weren’t feelings involved with those people. They were hookups.”
He glanced at Van, then Benji. “But there are feelings involved today.”
“I know.” Benji kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “Thank you for being honest. I think I always suspected you needed something more than I was giving, but it hurt to think about it, so I pretended it didn’t exist. That in the end it was enough that you loved me.”
“But it’s not?”
“I don’t want to lock you into a closed relationship with me that will inevitably reach a point where you’re unfulfilled and resentful. That’s why I invited Van over. We all needed to clear the air and get on the same page about what’s happening between the three of us. You and Van have chemistry for days. I would definitely like the chance to get to know him better.”
