Van gathered his clothes. Benji didn’t look up until the bedroom door opened and shut, and his face was cherry red. So embarrassed that Joshua ached for him. He pulled Benji close, despite being covered in spunk, and Benji sank into him.
“Don’t be embarrassed by anything we did today,” he whispered, stroking Benji’s back with both palms. “Please?”
“It’s not that.” Benji shifted so they were face-to-face, cheeks resting on the bed. “I’m embarrassed by how much I enjoyed all of this. Watching. Being part of it, without actually being part of it, if that makes sense.”
“Participating without touching?”
“Exactly. It’s like watching porn to jack off. I’m looking and appreciating and seeing it is appealing, but I don’t necessarily want to be doing what’s in the video. You know?”
Joshua nodded. The explanation made sense with everything he and Benji had talked about since that long ago, two a.m.confession. “Don’t be embarrassed that you like watching, Ben. I’ve been your only partner your whole life. It’s okay if you end up having a little bit of voyeur in you.”
“I guess that’s why I get so confused sometimes. From everything I’ve read online, it’s seems like more aces actively dislike or are put off by sex, and I’m not.”
“You said there are other labels, though, under the ace umbrella. Maybe you’re demisexual.” After reuniting with Benji, Joshua had gone online and done his own research into asexuality, and sometimes thought demi fit Benji more. Demis were more likely to feel attraction after developing a close emotional bond.
Benji shrugged. “Maybe the exact label isn’t as important as how I feel when I’m with you and Van.”
“How do you feel with us?”
“Safe. Happy.”
Two words that made Joshua’s heart sing. “Then why did you pull away at the end?”
“I don’t know. The actions were all hyper-focused on you and Van, so I got so stupidly shy when suddenly you were both looking at me. I did want you to suck me off, but I’m not ready for anyone else to see that.”
“I understand, and I love you so goddamn much for speaking up when you got overwhelmed. I don’t ever want you to regret sex, okay? Or resent me for pushing you into something.”
“I don’t resent you for anything. Thank you.”
“I haven’t even blown you yet.”
“Dork. Not that. For everything. Being you, being here with me. Being honest with me.”
Joshua’s eyes shuttered briefly, because hewaskeeping a secret, damn it. “You deserve the world worshipping at your feet Benji ‘Not Benjamin’ Moore.”
“I don’t need the whole world. Maybe headlining a world tour on the coattails of my first platinum album.”
“That’s reasonable.” Joshua wanted that and more for Benji and Fading Daze. “Plus all the blow jobs you could ever ask for from yours truly.” He reached between them and thrust his hand into Benji’s open pants, only to find him soft.
“How about a rain check on the BJ?” Benji asked. “It isn’t as if I won’t be sleeping with you every night for the next week.”
It was one of the longest stretches they’d had together in ages, and Joshua’s heart squeezed with how precious these next seven days were. “So you know, I plan on taking advantage of you as often as you’ll let me, but only if you’re into it. Promise me?”
“Promise.” Benji pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you.”
“Love you more.”
Forever.
FOURTEEN
Van stoodunder the warm spray, a little jealous over the water pressure in the old, divided beach house. He didn’t bother with soap or anything else, simply used the water to rinse sweat and semen off of his very relaxed, sated body. Sex with Joshua had, as expected, been crazy intense and immensely satisfying. Add in orders from the more standoffish Benji?
Fucking hell, I need that again.
He wouldn’t have minded Benji getting more hands-on with the action, but he also understood why he’d held back. Why he’d needed privacy with Joshua in order to get off. Van barely knew Benji, beyond surface stuff everyone knew about Fading Daze’s front man; if this wasn’t a one-time thing, he wanted to get to know Benji better.
The idea of doing all of this again was as intoxicating as it was terrifying, because it was too fucking complicated for him. He didn’t know how to handle anything beyond hookups and casual dating. He didn’t sit down and imagine future scenarios involving non-sexual activities with other people, much less with an established couple.
