“Me insisting on a closed relationship wasn’t about me and Joshua. It wasn’t forus. It was for me, so I could prove something to myself, but I was acting out of fear. I love him, and I trust his love for me. Everything he’s done to support me these last two months—hell, the last three-plus years—has proved his love and loyalty and devotion. Without that promise he made to me, maybe you guys wouldn’t have been twisting yourselves into pretzels denying your feelings for each other this whole time.”
Joshua stepped closer, one of his hands sliding up to rest on the back of Benji’s neck—a familiar, gentling touch. “Ben, what are you doing?”
“I’m giving you permission, Josh. Permission to have sex with Van, on one condition.”
Van gave a full-body shiver that told Benji all he needed to know from that party. So he dared to look at Joshua, half-scared he’d made a terrible mistake. Except Joshua was studying him with so much love and need that Benji nearly crumpled.
Joshua studied his face, probably seeking signs of hesitation or regret in Benji, but he had none. Not over what he wanted, or what he’d stated. “What’s the condition?” Joshua finally asked, so softly Benji saw the words more than he heard them.
Benji released one hand from Van’s shirt and used it to hold Joshua by the waist. “I want to watch.”
THIRTEEN
Van had spentthe last twenty-two days doing his damnedest not to think about Joshua or Benji, or about that fucking kiss. Twenty-two days constantly pushing both men out of his thoughts, only to wake up from sexy dreams with spunk in his boxers and a lot of guilt in his heart. He didn’t want to be the guy who got off on other people’s boyfriends. He didn’t want to interfere in what seemed like a good thing.
He also hadn’t had sex in too fucking long, because seeking out anyone else while he was still hung up on them was too strange. Too much like cheating. Except he wasn’t theirs and they weren’t his, and fuck it all, he’d wanted to get over them both. And after last night’s tense phone call from Benji demanding a face-to-face chat, he’d tried hard to find someone to get off with.
No dice. And Van wasn’t used to striking out when he was on the hunt.
He blamed his long dry spell on his non-answers to some of Benji’s intensely personal questions in the living room that afternoon. He blamed it on why he’d started getting hard the instant Benji asked to kiss him. He blamed it on why he’d nearly fallen over when Benji gave Joshua permission to sleep withVan. He especially blamed it on why the idea of Benji fuckingwatchingmade him ache with desire.
I am an asshole. I need to walk away. Right now.
Van couldn’t do it. He couldn’t walk away and leave behind something he wanted so badly, and something he was being given permission to take. The entire thing was so extremely complicated, something he’d normally avoid, but he couldn’t turn off his feelings for these men. For Benji’s quiet strength and determination, and for Joshua’s unerring loyalty. Not to mention they were both sexy as fuck, and he loved kissing them. He’dfeltsomething when he kissed them, and that hadn’t happened in a long damned time.
Not since he was a lovesick teenager.
He couldn’t stop staring at Benji, who hadn’t let go of his shirt, and who glanced from him to Joshua, waiting.
“Why?” Joshua said, breaking the spell with the single croaked word.
“Because I love you,” Benji said. “And because it feels right. Deep down, all of this feels right. Like maybe staying open wasn’t really about you being scared of cheating, but knowing we were waiting for him. I don’t want to lose that because I have self-esteem issues.”
Those words cracked something open in Van’s chest, releasing so much desire and yearning he almost couldn’t breathe. He stayed quiet, though, because this moment was between the boyfriends. This decision was about them.
Joshua made a soft, broken sound. “Are you absolutely sure?”
Benji’s hand moved from Joshua’s waist to his cheek. “Baby, I was sure about this long before I called Van and insisted he come over. Believe me, this isn’t an impulse decision. But if you don’t want to?—”
“I do want to.” A hand closed over Van’s wrist, the contact finally wrenching his gaze away from Benji. The desire in Joshua’s eyes shot through Van’s gut, obliterating any small, lingering chance of him saying no. “As long as Van wants to.”
“Yes,” Van said. This could be the worst decision he’d ever made, but goddammit, he’d make it worthwhile.
The tension between the three of them was already elevated, but it hit nuclear levels when Benji took each of their hands and led them down a short hallway. To a bedroom. Van shivered as he crossed the threshold, into a smallish room with a double bed, dresser, and side table. The décor didn’t reflect Joshua much, but Joshua was also subletting the place. Still, this wasn’t about the room or what was in it—only about the two men standing there with him.
Benji released their hands, then shut and locked the door. “Roommates,” he said with a teasing wink. “I hope this isn’t too awkward. Try to pretend I’m not here.”
“Impossible,” Van said with a very intent look. He kind of wished Benji would join them, but he wasn’t sure if that suggestion would get an enthusiastic yes, or a smack in the face. On the surface, this seemed to be about Joshua and Van getting each other out of their systems, but there was something else here. Something potentially bigger than two people.
Something Van wanted, and was terrified to find again.
Joshua rustled in the drawer of the side table and came up with lube and a few condoms. He left both on the table, and then whipped his shirt off over his head. The motion left his dark hair adorably tousled. Van tried not to drool over his broad, bronze chest, or the dusting of similarly dark hair around his navel. Fit, without any distracting muscles, reminding Van that he was an IT guy used to sitting behind a desk.
He’s gorgeous.
Van took all of the baggage, all of his anxieties over doing this, and pitched them out of the room. All that mattered was the sexy man next to him, and making sure he screamed Van’s name when he came.
He tugged Joshua against him, enjoying the way he fit there, chest-to-chest, groin-to-groin, only an inch or two shorter than Van. Joshua’s breath panted warm against his mouth, and he grabbed Van by the belt loops. Van clasped Joshua by the back of the neck with one hand, and used the other to palm Joshua’s ass. Joshua thrust his erection against him, and that was it.
