Joshua glanced around the half-empty place, then leaned in. “Benji thinks he’s asexual, but he didn’t realize it until this spring. And he’s been scared to tell me.”
Van tilted his head, a bit stunned by that one. “But you two have been fucking, right?”
“Yes, and apparently there’s a whole spectrum of ace identities. Benji knotted himself into pretzel trying to explain he enjoys sex and isn’t turned off by it, he just doesn’t feel sexual attraction, and that I never forced him to do anything he wasn’t into. But I still feel like such an asshole. I mean, we met in college and I knew going into it that he’d never had sex before, and we dated a few months before he was comfortable moving past hand jobs, and he never initiated anything, it was always me, and he never once hooked up with another guy, even though he had permission . . .” Joshua huffed a few times. “I’m rambling.”
“A little.” The rambling was also kind of endearing, because it meant Joshua was nervous and—nope. Not endearing. Not even a little bit. “Okay, so Benji discovers something huge about himself, he tells you, and you tell him what?”
“That I love him. I asked questions, and I tried to understand. I hate the idea that I could have ever forced him into a sexual situation he didn’t want, but he insisted I never did, and I believe him.”
Okay, now Van was officially confused. “So why did you break up?”
Joshua’s shoulders sagged. “Back in June, Benji asked for us to close the relationship. No more one-offs with other people.”
Van didn’t need to hear the end of that story. “You said no.”
“I have my reasons.”
“I bet you do. What were Benji’s reasons?”
“He needed to know that he was good enough for me.” Joshua’s voice got tight and strangled. “And he is. He’s an amazing, loving, energetic guy, and I love him so much.”
“But you won’t close the relationship and be loyal to him for reasons?”
“He’s on the road all the time with Fading Daze. He’s living his dream, and I’m so happy for him. Proud of him. He’s better off free of me.”
“Did he tell you that?”
Joshua drained his first glass and started on the second. “Not in those words. But he was right about one thing. He deserves to be loved by a guy who needs him and only him.”
Van chewed on that while he ate a few more oysters. Joshua’s sandwich and chips appeared. He peeked under the bun, probably assessing the house-made tartar sauce, then took a big bite. Chewed. His dark eyes lit up as the special ingredient hit his palette.
“Damn, what is in that?” Joshua asked.
“The batter has red chili flakes and Old Bay.”
“Wow.”
“Told you so.”
“Fine, you’re right. And help yourself to my chips, I won’t be able to eat them all.”
“Thanks.” Van did not intend to touch those greasy things. “Okay, so what I’m getting here is you both still love each other, Benji wants commitment, but you won’t do it. Why?”
“Because things are good the way they are. Why change what’s working?”
“Except it’s not working, obviously. Not if you guys broke up.”
Joshua gave him an exasperated look. “No shit, I figured that one out, thanks. That’s my reason, though. Being open worked for three years.”
“For you maybe. It’s obviously not something Benji wanted or needed, if you said he never hooked up with other people.”
“But I didn’tknowthat until two days ago.”
“So Benji dumps all this truth on you, but you still recite the party line? Shit, I’d have dumped you too.”
Joshua flinched.
Van held up his hands. “Look, you wanted an unbiased, outsider’s opinion, so I’m giving you one. What’s the real reason you won’t commit? That deep down, in your gut fear that’s keeping you from being exclusive with someone who sounds like a great guy. Plus the whole rock star thing is super hot.”
