Bullying that had left a terrible scar on Benji’s ability to entrust his body to another person—until Joshua.
“Those first few months, we developed a bond, a real emotional bond,” Benji continued. “You never pushed for sex. You respected that I was a virgin, and you waited until I was ready. It’s why I was able to give you my body. There was trust in place first, before we had sex. And please believe me when I say I enjoyed every single encounter. You have never forced me into anything, I swear.”
Joshua was silent for a moment, probably trying to sort through everything Benji was throwing at him. It was a lot to digest. “How long have you known all of this?”
“Not long, really. I found a huge website about it and suddenly so many things made sense. That even though I do enjoy the physical pleasure of sex, I put more value in our emotional connection. In the fun things we do together and the time we spend out of bed. But when we see each other in between our travels, sex is the first thing on your mind, and I’d be content cuddling on the couch for eight hours.”
“That’s why you asked to close the relationship again.”
Benji’s eyes burned with tears. “Yes. I had to know you could want me, and only me, before I told you any of this. And whenyou refused, instead of backing off like I’ve always done, I fought you.”
“I remember.”
He pushed away memories of the worst fight they’d ever had—and the only one after which they’d parted still angry. Separate. “In the end it proved to me that I’d never be enough. I love you so much, Josh, but I can’t keep going forward like this.” His voice cracked. “Knowing I’m not enough, knowing you still need sex from other people, is killing me inside.”
Joshua let go of his hand and sank to the couch. He covered his face with both hands and sat there, shoulders trembling. Benji watched him, his heart breaking wide open, certain this was it. This was the end of their three-year relationship.
So many things were racing through Joshua’s mind that he didn’t think he’d ever have a coherent thought again. All he could do was sit there while fear and adrenaline made his body tremble, and try not to dissolve into open sobbing.
He knew what asexual was on an intellectual level. As a bisexual man, he’d made it his business to understand the full spectrum, because he often found himself defending his identity, especially to coworkers who simply didn’t get it. But never in his life had he expected Benji to drop this sort of news on him.
Except all of the small signs started to jump out at him all at once. Joshua always the one initiating sex. Benji still being a virgin at eighteen and being so shy about everything at first. Eager to give hand jobs, but not a big fan of sucking Joshua’s dick. Looking at their sex life from a new perspective, one that more clearly saw his boyfriend’s hesitations and awkwardness, horrified him. No matter how many times Benji said he liked sex, Joshua still felt like he’d somehow taken advantage.
He rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes to stave off threatening tears, then blinked hard at the colorful dots left behind. Dots that cleared, only to show him Benji’s sad face and tear-filled eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” was all he could think to say.
“I’m sorry, too.” Benji sat next to him, close enough that their knees touched. “Maybe we weren’t meant to be each other’s forever guy.”
“But what if we are?” Joshua hated the childish whine in his tone, but he didn’t want to give Benji up. He couldn’t imagine their lives apart. Benji was the first person Joshua had ever dated, male or female, who’d made him believe in true love—but what good was true love if it was strangling them both? “I don’t know if it makes a difference to you or not, but Van was the first person I’ve tried to hook up with since before the car accident.”
“Really? Men or women?” Benji seemed genuinely stunned, especially when Joshua nodded yes. “But you’ve been better for months.” Then he got mad, his dark eyebrows dipping into a sharp V. “If you weren’t pursuing other people, then why did you refuse to close the relationship?”
“Just because I wasn’t out looking for tail doesn’t mean I wanted to lose the option.” At this point, the excuse was kind of lame, but the truth? Speaking the God’s honest truth out loud felt too much like playing “Bloody Mary.” He’d say it, and then it would happen, and they’d be ruined anyway. But by keeping it from Benji, wasn’t he delaying the inevitable?
Maybe breaking up now would spare them both even more pain down the road.
Benji sagged against the couch cushions, hands loose in his lap, shoulders slumped. “So we are breaking up. Aren’t we?”
“Is that what this is?” Joshua couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. To see the pain and heartbreak he knew were there. It was all his fault.
“I can’t keep doing what we’re doing, Josh, I won’t. I love you so much, but I deserve to be loved by someone who doesn’t need anyone except me. And right now, that’s not you.”
Agony wrapped itself around Joshua’s heart and squeezed. He couldn’t breathe. Of all the things he’d imagined would happen tonight, losing half of his heart wasn’t one of them. Despite the fight in June, he didn’t think they’d actually break up. He thought they’d fix things, like they always did, but not this time. “I wish I could be the man you deserve,” Joshua said.
Benji let out an awful, sob-like sound.
“I don’t want to do this in the middle of the night.” Joshua squeezed Benji’s knee, unable to look at him. “Whatever happens, it happens in daylight, when we’re both awake and aware of what we’re doing. You can sleep with me or in Danielle’s room. You don’t have to sleep on the couch.”
“Dani’s,” Benji said with another sob, and then fled. He shut himself in the bathroom.
Joshua’s heart shattered even more. He slowly rose and shuffled toward his own temporary bedroom, leaving the broken remains of his relationship behind. He lay awake a long time, chest heavy with unshed tears, still clinging to a small shard of hope that maybe he could fix things in the morning.
Except when he woke from a dozing sleep fraught with dangerous shadows, that shard of hope crumbled at his feet.
Benji was already gone.
FOUR
