“Great, it’s a deal then.”
I watch as Aaron gets his stuff together—after he insists on cleaning the counter for me. It’s painful to watch him leave, like a knife twisting in my chest. I want to ask him for more than friends-with-benefits, but I already know what he’ll say. His voice echoes in my mind enough; I don’t need to hear him say it out loud.
Besides, once he’s let himself out, I remind myself there’s always a chance that this could turn into more.
A small one, but it still counts.
CHAPTER 13
OLIVER
Istill find it strange that Aaron’s friends have slotted me into their group so easily. They have so much history together that I can’t compete. There are so many inside jokes, references to people they know, and meaningful looks that go around. Sometimes I feel like I’m intruding on some intimate affair, one I can’t quite find my place in.
For better or worse, Matthias’s backyard gives me very little room to hide. Instead, I’m sitting in a circle, listening to Tyler and his newish boyfriend Graham regale us with stories of their camping trip. Honestly, it sounds terrible. I’d rather be curled up indoors with a good book. Despite my family’s insistence that playing sports would help me build character, I never took to any of them. Especially anything that included braving the elements. Heat, cold, wind, rain. I hate them all. The only thing I managed to stick with long-term was Judo.
Poorly, but I did attend classes for ten years.
Not that it made much of a difference.
At least now I’m not the only outsider. Colt is firmly part of the group, never far from Nathan, and now Graham is becoming a fixture as well. It makes me feel a little less alone, not to be the only odd person out, even if I’m the only odd person out who’s not a significant other.
Being the secret friend-with-benefits of someone doesn’t exactly come with the same privileges. Instead, I’m stuck in my own category, trying to figure out where I belong.
It’s not a complaint so much as a nagging feeling that won’t go away. Aaron and I have been friends-with-benefits for a month. So far, it’s the same as our relationship was previously, but with the addition of sex. Lots and lots of great sex.
The problem is that after we run, crochet, and fall into bed together, he leaves. It’s then that the sinking sensation comes back to me. My spending on anti-nausea medication has skyrocketed over the last month as I try to ward off my feelings. There’s not much I can do about it.
Just like before, I agreed to this arrangement. Having some of Aaron is better than none. At least that’s what I tell myself. So what am I supposed to do?
I know what Jane wants me to do. She told me to sit him down and tell him exactly what I want from him. She’s sure he’ll say yes because he won’t want to lose me. I’m a bit more skeptical. I think he’ll get up, put his running shoes on, and get away from me so fast that a puff of cartoon smoke will follow him all the way to the other side of town.
As soon as the group conversation shifts to sports, I tune out. Not only am I bad at playing them, but I’ve never gotten into watching them either. Half my family are die-hard football fans, gathered around the TV anytime a game is on, screaming and yelling. Honestly, I’m not even sure if they’re cheering for the same team. All I know is that it’s the perfect time to sneak away to spend a few minutes alone.
“I’m going to grab another beer. You want anything?” I ask Aaron. I don’t need another drink, but stretching my legs and clearing my head sounds like a good idea. It also gets me out of pretending to know anything about the current team. Or even what season it is. Football, maybe? They do that in the fall, right?
“Sure. Thanks.” He gives me a soft smile, the one that always melts my heart and breaks it at the same time. It’s probably a good night to review the list of reasons why we can’t be in a relationship. However, it’s getting harder to agree to many of them.
Colt and Nathan are so in love it’s disgusting. Neither of them shows any signs of caring if I’m around. I doubt they’d care if Aaron and I were together. Or when the official start date of the relationship occurred.
I head up to the tiny porch, where the oversized cooler sits. I spot what I want on top, but spend a little time looking around to buy myself a few minutes. It’s hard to watch the couples together, holding hands and sharing looks, knowing I can’t do the same. It’s not exactly FWB behavior—especially secret FWBs.
“Hey.” Tyler startles me as he reaches around to pull a few cans of dark beer from the cooler. It sounds incredible, but I saw the ABV listed on the front. One of those would have me flat on my back. I settle on wheat beers for myself and Aaron. They’re what we’ve been drinking so far.
“Hey, Tyler. What’s new?” Talking one-on-one with the guys is still a little weird. They don’t feel like my friends, and every conversation seems like an interrogation.
“I went camping for the first time and didn’t get eaten by a bear.”
Holy fuck. When they were telling the story, I didn’t even consider there might be bears around. He’s lucky it was onlya bee that attacked him. Judging by Graham’s face during that story, the bear might have been preferable.
“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think there are even bears around here.”
“That’s good, I guess. I’m not really the outdoorsy type.” The understatement of the century. Since I started running, I’ve nearly quadrupled the amount of time I spend outdoors.
“What’s new with you? It’s been a while.”
This kind of small talk always makes my head hurt. I’ve never figured out when someone’s asking for information and when they’re being polite. Too often, I wind up offering a bunch of details no one asks for. “Oh, you know, work and stuff. It’s been busy.” Honestly, it’s always busy, but rarely in a bad way. I’ve got a system for making sure I don’t get overwhelmed. It helps that Haskell and I have been working together for a long time. I’ve got a good sense of when some things can be dropped or pushed out and what has to be done on time.
Of course, he’s often late, so I end up rushing. It’s a good flow, though, and sometimes gives me an extra day to recover before things get busy again. It works for the two of us, which is all that really matters.
