I swallow. “I…I left you.”
He blows out a breath. “Ellie, no.” His head shakes back and forth. “All I want is for you to be happy. Your job is making sure that happens, not worrying about keeping your dad company.”
“But you’re alone now,” I murmur. “It was selfish of me to apply in the first place.”
“Is that what you’ve been thinking? That you were being selfish?”
I nod and study my hands in my lap.
My dad sighs and is quiet for a bit. When he talks, his voice is low. “You know, I read this book a couple years ago. About grieving. I went in with a bad attitude—the whole ‘this is going to be a load of shit’type attitude. But it taught me something important.”
I pick my head up and focus on him.
“Everybody grieves differently, right? I knew that in theory, but I didn’t really think about what it meant. Specifically for you and me. But then some things started to make sense.”
He clears his throat.
“I’d want to look through pictures of your mom and you’d politely tell me you had something else you had to do. Or you’d want to try a new restaurant and I’d decline in favor of takeout from a regular spot. And when I was reading, I realized why all of that was happening.”
He pauses and smiles.
“Seeing and thinking about your mom is comforting for me. I like reliving memories and remembering my favorite things about her. But for you, forcing those kinds of things was painful. I didn’t understand that until I was reading the stupid book.”
My dad sighs again and he sounds so, so tired.
“Maybe my way drags out grieving even longer. But the book helped me realize that there isn’t a right way to grieve, and the best thing I could do for you was to let you grieve how you needed to.” He grabs one of my hands and squeezes it. “Being in Boston was hard for you.Being around mewas hard for you. I know that, sweetie. I was so happy for you when you told me about this job. I knew it would be so good for you.” He uses his other hand to pat the one he’s holding. “I think grieving can make us feel selfish as we try to navigate a very changed life. Butchoosing to be happy is not selfish, okay? Your happiness brings me peace, Ellie, and that’s all I can ask for in this life.”
“I want you to be happy too though,” I get out with a sniff.
“I’m as happy as I can be, Els. I promise.”
“What about the movies?”
His brow draws down again. “The movies?”
“You said you don’t go anymore. But you used to go all the time and I thought you liked doing things that remind you of Mom.”
My dad chuckles at that. “You’re right. But I don’t exactly like getting choked up at a public showing ofStar Warsbecause the seat next to me is empty.” I must not look convinced because he sighs and continues. “Tell you what. I’ll take your uncle Terry to see one sometime soon, all right? See how it feels to go again. Even if he talks during the whole damn thing.”
“Fine,” I huff. And then softer, “Thank you.”
“Now, do you want to tell me more about this boyfriend of yours?” he asks. “He sure seems pretty taken with you.”
Taken with you.The phrasing almost makes me smile. I debate how to ask my dad the question that’s been weighing on me a lot lately. “Matt’s…amazing. I don’t know how I got so lucky.” I swallow and look at my hands, hesitating. “Do you ever wish you’d never met Mom?” My dad scoffs and I look up.
He’s reared back a bit, looking borderline affronted. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because…because she died, Dad. You loved her and now your life is…is?—”
“Ellie,” he interrupts. His face is patient. Understanding. “I would do it all over again. Even knowing how her story ends. Your mom was the best thing that ever happened to me until you came along. And I promise you, there hasn’t been a single moment since your mom died that I wished I hadn’t met her. I loved our life—the crazy adventures, the mundane days at home.It was all so special to me because of how much I loved being with her. And then you joined us and everything just got better.”
He chucks my chin and shakes his head.
“I know I’m different with her gone and I’m sorry about that, sweetie. But I would still tell people I’ve had the richest life in the whole world because I got to love and be loved by you and your mom.”
Well, shit.I wipe at my face and ignore the pain in my body as I lean forward, wrapping my dad in a hug. “I love you too.”
He squeezes me tightly and I hear a gruff sniff. “It’s worth it, Ellie, I promise.”
