Matt says his goodbyes and brings my new phone over to me on the couch. His large hand gently cups my face and I lean into him, a subtle wave of comfort washing over me.
His voice is soft when he speaks. “Turns out it was fully charged. Ready to get this over with?”
Ready to tell my dad about my hockey-playing boyfriend and the possible shit he’s going to deal with again because of it? Definitely not.
I must hesitate longer than I intend to, because Matt swipes a thumb along my cheek and gently tilts my head to him.
“I’ll be right here.”
I focus on my favorite evergreen eyes and swallow the last bit of nerves, giving him a nod. “Let’s do this.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
MATT
It’s officially beena week since that damn article came out and things are good…ish.
Good because Ellie seems to be doing well, and working with Sloane has solved a lot of problems. Hardly any media requests have gotten to me or Ellie directly and the articles have been limited. I’ve also been doing my best to make sure Ellie doesn’t see them when I’m able.
The conversations with friends and her dad also went better than she expected, I think. And from what she’s said, they didn’t ask her too many questions. Her dad was worried for her, but overall seemed supportive. I was petrified that me being a hockey player would mean he’d hate me sight unseen. Thankfully he was mostly just happy Ellie was happy.Happy with me.Fuck, I don’t know how I got so lucky. Especially after how horribly I handled the night the story broke. I still want to punch myself over that.
Ellie, on the other hand, is handling it like a champ. I can tell she’s still affected by the shit she does see, but all things considered, she’s doing great. And that’s really all that I can ask for. Happy Ellie equals happy Matt. Something her dad and I have in common.
Ishbecause now I know the whole story, and every day I seem to get more angry. While Ellie gets better, I’m getting worse.
I also know our schedule like the back of my hand and I’ve been dreading tonight for the past six days because we’ve got a home game.
Against Boston.
And I’m considering accepting a fine for voluntarily skipping a game for the first time in my career.
How the fuck am I supposed to face this literal piece of human garbage and not actually kill him? I can’t believe I have to share the ice with someone like that. Can’t believe he gets to even beonthe ice. He should be rotting in prison, not playing fucking professional hockey.
Do I wish I felt this strongly before I knew it was Ellie and her mom in that accident? Yes. But I can’t change the past and this is my reality now. And the thing is, I know this is going to be a big issue. We aren’t in the same conference, but we play Boston multiple times a season and it won’t exactly go unnoticed if I consistently miss those games. Especially now that everyone would make the connection.
I also don’t think anyone has ever put it in their contract that they won’t play a specific team—seasoned player or not, that’s just insane and no team would allow it.
Now, am I likely to get cut for not playing? Probably not. But it’s not exactly a good example to set, and Coach would undoubtedly be disappointed. My team too, probably. They’re obviously aware of the situation now—several guys on the team have checked in with me and even asked about Ellie now that they’re aware of her. And I know they’ve got my back, generally speaking. But like myself, these guys take hockey—the passionthey’re lucky enough to get paid for—really seriously. And optingnot to play for personal reasons other than family emergencies or illness and injury is just…not done.
You come to work whether you feel up to it or not. Hockey is a team sport, and to leave them hanging in this situation would be selfish. Playoffs start in two weeks and we can only afford to lose one more game if we want to secure our spot. Every matchup is high stakes and a first line center sitting out is unheard of at this stage. Unheard of at all, really.
So while I’m sure no one would outwardly say anything to their captain, they’d definitely be surprised and maybe even angry on some level. I can’t be sure, but I don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to let them down.The name on the front of the jersey is more important than the one on the back—it’s a saying we’re all familiar with and most players agree, me included. The name on the front of my jersey is Minnesota Bears.
But what if I play and my own feelings get in the way and they’re let down anyway? What if I can’t play like I normally do, too distracted by this all-consuming rage? So much of hockey is about keeping a level head, despite what people assume. We may practice plays and try to imagine every scenario, but the game is fast-paced and requires the ability to think on your feet.
I imagine how I’ll feel if I don’t playandwe lose and know I have my answer.
I just hope if we losebecauseof how I play, I can live with that too.
CHAPTER FORTY
ELLIE
Today 9:17PM
Dev
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