I’m so in love with this girl it feels like more effort not to say it than it would be to just blurt it out. Like it’s constantly on the tip of my tongue and I have to check myself before I talk. It’s borderline painful. I almost slipped when she called me to thank me for Zoey’s surprise visit.
I know I could just tell her, but after her drunken confession I’m not sure when or evenifshe’d want to hear it. And I don’t want it to be a point of stress for her. I want her to be excited—to maybe even want to say it back.
One day at a time, I tell myself. Who knows, maybe the moment will feel right tomorrow or a week from now. I just have to be patient.
Ellie pulls away and studies my face as she catches her breath. “Something on your mind?”
You. Always you.“Just missed you.” I peck her lips quickly. “And this.”
Ellie’s smiling, but her eyes are searching for something. “What happened at the dinner table?”
Ah. I’m not really sure why I haven’t talked to Ellie about this. I guess I’m embarrassed it’s causing me this much grief. It feels so melodramatic. And yet, itishow I feel and I want to share everything with her. She just has a way of putting things in perspective that can make my problems feel less…big. Not on purpose. And it’s not even a bad thing. In fact, the more I think about it, maybe making this problem feel small is exactly what I need. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before.
“My retirement is just a bit of a sore topic, I guess.”
Ellie lowers her eyebrows, that adorable little wrinkle between them making an appearance. “Why? You’re not ready to? Is someone making you?” Her voice takes on an angry edge with that last question.
It makes me smile and gives my chest that tight feeling I’m getting accustomed to. “Nah, it’s mostly up to me. I’m just having trouble deciding when.” I pause and study her face. “And what to do after.” I tuck my arm under her shoulder and roll until she’s on top of me. Her hair falls around her face. So damn beautiful.
“How come? The possibilities are endless. You’re only thirty-six.”
“I think that’s the first time you’ve used my age to call me young.”
She smiles and uses a delicate finger to trace my nose. My cheeks. The scar on my chin.
“I don’t really know who I am without hockey,” I confess quietly.
I try not to dwell on that thought often, let alone admit it out loud.This is the first time I’ve said it to anyone, actually.
I promise you’re safe with me.Her lighthearted comment from that first night plays on a near-constant loop in my head like some soothing proverb. I don’t think she—or I, truthfully—realized how much I’d cling to those words.
Ellie pauses her tracing and studies my eyes for a while. A few moments pass before she speaks in a quiet voice.
“You know, I was starstruck by you before I knew you were a star. Obviously, you know I thought you were good-looking, but it was so much more that gave me butterflies. You were just…captivating. So genuine andsokind. From the very beginning I always felt like you gave me your full attention. Like you didn’t want to be anywhere but there in that moment with me. I know hockey is a big part of your life, but it’s never been a big part of what makes you special to me.”
Those pretty eyes stay steady on mine.
“You’re just Matt. Matt who likes vanilla ice cream and alien movies. Matt who ran in the freezing cold to apologize to his one-night stand for something that normally wouldn’t really require one quite so sincere. Matt who calls his parents weekly and who never lets a house plant die. Matt who works hard to put others first even with a job that demands otherwise. Matt who listens to a podcast on grief to help his…”
“Girlfriend,” I supply, my voice thick. “How’d you know that?”
She gently places her hands on the sides of my jaw, running her thumbs back and forth over the thicker stubble I let grow while on the road.
“You sent me a screenshot of that plant app and it was at the top of your screen, old man.” Ellie sticks her tongue out at me. She stops moving her thumbs and holds my face steady, studying my eyes. “I never considered anything about my life lucky until you, Matt. And that has nothing to do with your job or your name.”
I feel my throat move on a heavy swallow as I reach a hand up to hold one of hers in place. What did I do to deserve her?
“I’m no expert, but being done playing doesn’t have to mean being done with hockey, right? Your passion won’t just go awaywhen your job changes, Matt. If you want it to be a part of your life, it will be.” She kisses me quickly and leans back to watch me again.
“How do you do that?” I rasp. I know the gravel in my voice is betraying the emotion I’m feeling right now, but I don’t care.
“Do what?”
“You just… I just feel like I canbreathewhen you’re with me. Like the weight of the world is suddenly so muchless.” I squeeze her hand under mine. “I’ve never felt that before.”
“Isn’t that what partners do? Share the weight?”
Chills break out over my skin. I’m transported back to the first night I met Ellie. When I asked about her relationship endgame and she told me she was looking for a realpartner. I give her a jerky nod. “Partners,” I repeat.
