I laugh and take the carton from her, getting myself a spoonful. Ellie leans forward to set her spoon on the napkin on the table and grabs the remote. She sits back and looks at me.
“I liked hanging out with you on Thursday,” she says with a shrug. “You handled my proposition better than I imagined, honestly. Kinder than most people would have.” She pauses andsmiles at me. “I mean, the sex was really good, yeah, but the chatting and your little alien movie were really good too.”
I balk at her calling one of my favorite films alittle alien movie, but let her continue. At least she enjoyed it.
“I finished it this weekend, since we fell asleep with a little bit left.” Ellie looks at my arm on the back of the couch before refocusing on me. “You were also a very comfortable pillow that night.” She ends with a shy smile, a blush tinting her cheeks.
“I liked hanging out with you too,” I tell her. “And I’m glad you liked the movie.”
Ellie looks between my eyes, passing the remote from hand to hand. “So how come you’re single?”
I hesitate, both out of shock at the question and because I’m not sure why she’s asking. “What do you mean?”
“Are we fishing for compliments again?” Ellie raises a brow and I laugh.
“Hockey, I guess,” I admit. Dumb as it sounds.
“Doesn’t that get you a lot of, uh, suitors? Don’t try to tell me there aren’t any. I won’t believe you.”
If she only knew. I withhold a shudder and think of how to sum it up. “It’s more my schedule and…priorities?”
Ellie’s brow wrinkles. “Aren’t a lot of hockey players married? I’m sure there’s lots of people who would understand the schedule and demands of your job.”
Diving into how my relationships have ended and what could eventually end this one is not really what I wanted to talk about this soon. But maybe being transparent is best so she can set her expectations? The thought depresses me.
Then I remember how I felt leaving her on Friday first thing in the morning and then later in the day too. I didn’t want to leave. Wasn’t itching to get to the arena like I normally am. And that was certainly different from before with previous girlfriends, shitty as it sounds. Maybe that’s a good sign?
I try to word this carefully. “Yeah, a lot are. Happily too. I guess what I meant was that for me, I wasn’t able to prioritize my relationships over hockey. Or didn’t want to, really,” I amend, withholding a cringe. “Which wasn’t fair to them obviously and is the reason most of them didn’t work out.”
Ellie seems to mull that over. “What’s most?”
“Like how many?”
“Yeah.”
“Three, I guess? It might depend on if we’re talking length of relationship or seriousness.”
“Those aren’t the same?” Her brow dips low.
“I’d like to think not.”
Ellie tilts her head to the side. “Wouldn’t you say all long relationships are serious? I get that some shorter ones could still be significant.”
“Well, I had a longer relationship with someone, but I think we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere. She had different long-term plans than I did. It was convenient, I guess, since we were both content keeping it at that level and ending it when we were ready for something different. Then the other two varied in length but were more serious. I thought they might go somewhere eventually, but like I said, my priorities weren’t really in line with theirs, so it didn’t work out.”
I set myself up here for Ellie to ask about long-term plans. And while I don’t want to end things before they’ve begun, I also won’t lie to her. Marriage and kids have always been things I figured I’d get to after hockey, if at all. Which could be soon, but also may not be. I realize I’m holding my breath when Ellie asks another question.
“Only three, huh?”
I nod, unsure where she’s going with this. That seems to often be the case with Ellie.
She hums and fiddles with the remote some more. “What about more short-term things?”
“Hookups?”
Ellie nods this time and looks at me expectantly.
“When I first got drafted, I kept things really casual for a few years. But everyone’s warnings from before I joined the league rang true, and those hookups felt… I was going to say shallow, but it was more than that. I mean, hookups are often shallow by nature, but I guess these felt almost transactional? Like they wanted to say they hooked up with Matt Anderson and that was it. I know it makes me sound naïve, but I just didn’t like how that felt, I guess. I suppose the opposite end of the spectrum was more terrifying ultimately.”
