Ezra furrowed his eyebrows.
I stood, and Ezra backed up, standing as well. He gave me space like I might explode. That stung more than if he’d reached for me.
“You know, maybe you're right.” I poke his unyieldingly hard chest. The contact was sharp, deliberate. “Xan’s been asleep. You always use the word ‘we’ as if you and Xan are the same person. I even call you XanRa in my head. But you’re not.” I inhaled slowly. Controlled. Precise. “I’ll rephrase what I said. You, Commander…”
His gaze flashed unhappily. I’d never used his title before. I met him before I even knew he had one, but he couldn’t just kiss me and fix this. I deserved more.
“…look at me like you want to devour me one moment and forget me the next. You, Commander, kissed me, and then piles of shit happened, and you didn’t reach out once, not even as friends, to see how I was doing.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “You saw that altar the Prophet put me on.” I forced myself to breathe. In. Hold. Out. This was still so raw, but I needed to let my emotions out. As much as I hated it right now, Ezra still felt safe. “Every second I was in that compound, they spent attempting to break down my spirit and make me think I was worthless.”
My voice dipped quieter, the words scraping out instead of landing clean. “Before that, Horax took me. Do you know why?” I didn’t wait to see his response. “Because it would hurt the Architect. I was irrelevant. He couldn’t sell me fast enough.” Tears squeezed out of my eyes. I hated that they did. “This feels like the stupidest thing I’ve ever said, but no one even kidnapped me for me, for who I am.”
I laughed once, sharp and ugly. Disdain, not humor. “I was an object. Even Alex doesn’t care about me; I’m a body to imprint his perfect future into.”
‘Our perfect—'
“Shut up, Alex!” I yelled. “There is no ‘our.’” The collar chilled, not enough to hurt, but enough to remind me who could be in control.
I couldn’t tell if I was about to laugh, cry, or rage. For the first time, there really was a second person in my head. Maybe I really was losing it. I balled my fists and scrubbed my eyes. My hands shook harder the longer I tried to stop them.
Finally, once spots filled my vision, I met Ezra’s plum-purple gaze. The depths shimmered with emotion. His hands floated as if he suddenly didn’t know what to do with them. He started to reach for me, then stopped.
“Alex faked my waking up in my time after my brain surgery.” Silent tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t stop them. “He tried to convince me, this castle. You. Everyone who existed here had only been in my head. And I believed him. But your voice helped me realize something was wrong. And the more I looked,the more I saw.” Bitter pain laced my every word. “Do you know what I didn’t see? Flowers. A card. Nothing, because no one existed.”
I grabbed a map. “You have feet. You can shadow step. You run this entire castle.” My laugh broke this time, bitter and cracked. “Fuck, you could’ve sent an enforcer with a scrawl, as my TB’s broken.”
I jabbed the rolled-up map into Ezra’s shoulder like a sword. He stepped back as if I’d hit him.
“But you didn’t,” I said, voice low now, stripped of heat. “You acted like I didn’t exist. And now you tell me you want me to be ‘ours’?” I reached for another map. “Fuck off and go find someone else to be your plaything.” The words tasted sour. Final.
I picked up another map and used the back of it to wipe more tears from my eyes. I couldn’t tell if I was angry or devastated.
I didn’t look up.
If I did, I wasn’t sure I’d keep standing.
His TB buzzed. We ignored it. Part of me wanted him to pull me close. The other part remembered I’d just told him to fuck off.
His TB buzzed again. This time, I peeked at his face, only to find his gaze unfocused, as if he were speaking with Xan in his mind.
“You’re needed immediately,” Ezra stated.
He stood and, after a brief hesitation, offered me a hand. “We’re not trying to hurt you. Xan’s a mentalist who tethered you without consent. We need people to see you act of your own free will.”
Nothing about his feelings. Just what ‘we’ needed. I bit my lips together. At first, I’d adored how woven together Ezra and Xan were. It had been romantic, powerful, and everything I’dthought a healthy relationship should be. But, the more time I spent with them, the more the romantic picture darkened.
“But you’re not a mentalist.” Instead of taking his hand, I attempted to give him the maps. “If you’re only acting to make others happy, does that count as free will?”
Ezra grunted as if I’d stabbed him. He didn’t move to take the maps, so I dropped them. Once again, they bent and crackled as they rolled all over the floor. I shouldn’t have fetched Xan’s scraps like some obedient puppy. They’d clearly been talking behind my back.
Fuck this.
I didn’t wait for Ezra. I marched toward the door, ready to see what direction I was being kicked in this time.
I’d not made it halfway down the hall before the sounds of a roaring dragon echoed. Something cracked, and I looked back just as bits of the bathroom door splintered against the wall. A very soggy, angry, made-up reptile zoomed out of the room and into my arms.
At least my mistakes loved me back.
