Cayden grimaced and hung his head.
“I saw you fight every instinct in your body to keep from doing what you wanted,” I continued.
“It wasn’t right.” Cayden hissed, not looking at me. “None of it was.”
“You're right. It’s a fucked-up situation. But you didn’t know that. If the other women went through the same process as me, by the time they were on that altar, they believed they wanted everything the family gave them.”
Cayden trembled. “But they didn’t.”
“To your knowledge, they did,” I repeated. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
Cayden bit his lips together and curled into himself. My arrogant, self-righteous friend was vanishing before my eyes, just like I’d done my entire life.
I lunged out of Rowan’s arms and slammed into my best friend. He fell backward. His head hit the pillow, and I straddled him, pinning his arms in place and forcing him to look at me.
“I spent my life ashamed. Ashamed of my illness, of being broken.” I chuckled darkly. “Only to wake up in a world where there is no normal. Every family’s moral code is unique, and yes. Yours was a basket of crazy run by a manipulative bastard. But you can’t change your past.”
Cayden didn’t take his gaze from mine.
“You can’t change who you were. You can only accept it and try to become someone you can love.” A tear ran down my cheek. “It was too late for me to learn that lesson in my old life. But here.” I bumped Rowan with my foot so he’d know my words were for him, too. “I’ve learned to love the part of me I wanted to cut out.”
“This is not the same,” Cayden bit his lips together.
I threw my hands in the air. “It’s not. I can’t argue with that. But.” I let out a frustrated breath. “Did you enjoy seeing me tied up?”
Cayden’s gaze grew wary. I’d ground against his hard cock. I knew exactly how much he liked it. He nodded sharply.
“I hated everything about what happened, except that,” I bit my bottom lip. “It was the wrong situation, and if I’d been less drugged or realized we had an audience, this might be a different conversation, but I didn’t.”
Rowan grunted. I could only imagine what he was piecing together, but this moment was Cayden’s.
“Those ropes. The knots…” I licked my lips as delicious heat from the memory kissed my core. “One of your sisters tied me up. It was very clinical, but in a different situation, it wouldn’t be, would it?”
Cayden’s gaze unfocused. I gave him a minute to sort through whatever he needed, cursing the fact he could feel my emotions, but I couldn’t feel his.
“I enjoy bondage,” Cayden said softly. “But do I only enjoy it because it was part of my doctrine?”
I leaned down so close that our noses almost brushed. “Do you want to tie me up?”
Cayden’s glowing eyes burned. “Yes.”
“Do you want to kiss me?”
“Yes.”
I released Cayden’s arms and sat up. My ass landed on his hard dick, and he let out a needy hiss of pain and pleasure.
“You can’t disappear,” I said. “I won’t let you. I get it. What you’re going through is a lot, but you can’t leave me alone.”
Cayden swallowed hard. “I’m lost. I thought destroying my Prophet would fix everything, but I still don’t know who I am.”
My heart raced. “We’re in the same boat.” I cupped Cayden’s cheek and leaned in. He trembled, then turned away, leaving my lips on rough stubble instead of his mouth.
Fear and disappointment knifed through me. I didn’t know how to help Cayden. I sat back up, still acutely aware of Cayden’s erection, which he seemed desperate to ignore. My best friend pressed his lips together and avoided my gaze.
Rowan shifted closer. “What if I do the kissing?”
The big mage cupped my cheek, his other hand pressing into my lower back. Before either Cayden or I could respond, he pressed his lips to mine. The moment I kissed back, he engulfed me with possessive need. Heat zinged through my body. Finally, when we both needed air, he released me.
