‘Clare, what is it?’
‘I’m pregnant. He doesn’t know yet.’
Her words took Tad’s breath away. He struggled for a moment to know what to say to her, wondering how to navigate this most sensitive of information.
‘How do you feel about it?’ he said.
Clare shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Happy, elated, excited… Frightened… Devastated that this baby will never get to meet Lucy. Worried about how it will affect things with James. It’s not as though we’ve even talked about having kids, getting married, none of that stuff. I’m scared it will push him away, when I’ve only just found him.’ She paused, concentrating on her breathing.
Tad pushed out a long breath.
‘I know. It’s a lot,’ she said.
‘What makes you think James won’t be happy about it?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. He’s so focused on his work, our time together is so precious, and I worry he might resent it being invaded by a child.’
Tad couldn’t help the rise in his eyebrows.Thiswas the kind of man Clare had chosen? After everything Tad had learnt about Grant, about the kind of man he had been – especially around their daughter, Lucy – it seemed inconceivable that Clare had now given her heart to someone who didn’t have her at the forefront of his.
‘Do you really believe that?’ he said.
‘I’m so all over the place, I don’t knowwhatI think,’ she said.
‘How far along are you?’ he asked, prompting a vehement response.
‘I’m having this baby, no matter what.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that. I just wondered.’
She swivelled to face him. ‘This is between you and me, Tad – you won’t tell anyone, will you?’
‘Of course I won’t. But I thinkyouneed to.’ Tad managed to smile, more for her benefit than because he felt it. ‘If he’s half the man I think you deserve, he’ll be delighted by your news.’
Clare stared at him, making no effort to stop the cascade of tears. Eventually, when she had herself under control, she said, ‘Thank you, Tad.’
He paused. Something in her expression had him waiting, allowing her a moment longer in case there was something else she wanted to say, but she didn’t. Instead, he reached for Clare’s hand as he stared out across the water. ‘Can I tell you something?’
‘You know you can. Anything.’
‘It’s far less dramatic than your news.’
Clare managed a weak smile, her tears gone apart from the remnants in her eyelashes, making them glitter in what remained of the evening light. ‘I didn’t mean to be dramatic.’
He bumped shoulders with her. ‘And I didn’t tell you how excited I am for you. Can I be the godfather?’
He did an appalling impression of Marlon Brando’s classic line from the movie and was rewarded when, at last, Clare laughed.
‘I know there’s no point pursuing anything with Amy. If she’s already in a relationship, that’s not something I would try to crash in on. But she has given me something I wasn’t sure I’d ever find,’ he said.
‘What’s that?’
‘The belief that I will be able to fall in love with someone again, one day. And maybe that will have to be enough, for now.’
They sat, hand in hand, staring out across the water until Tad’s stomach rumbled loudly enough to make Clare laugh again and they headed back to the restaurant in search of dinner.
15
Amy thought she was doing an excellent job of looking bulletproof the following morning. She hadn’t slept well, drifting in and out of restless, dream-riddled slumber. But feeling tired was easy to combat. Feeling pointless wasn’t so easy to disguise.
