She shook her head. ‘Oh, I’m fine. In the big scheme of things, I’ve got no business feeling grumpy or sorry for myself, when there are people out there with far worse problems than mine.’
‘Or – crazy thought incoming – perhaps you should cut yourself some slack. We’re all entitled to our feelings.’
‘Even if they never seem to get me anywhere?’ she said.
* * *
Amy could tell her comment left Tad confused. Truth be told, she was feeling confused herself. What feelings was she referring to? Was it the way she felt about her job, her life since she’d lost her nanna, or was it her choice to be single? Her determination not to continue to feel tethered by her time with Shaun, or to be overwhelmed by how she felt about ever trying to navigate a relationship of that kind of intensity again.
And where was she trying to get to, that her feelings were hindering her so badly?
When she’d left the UK for this trip to Italy, the last thought on her mind had been the fact that she was single. There seemed no logical reason why thinking about her long-past failed relationship should be bubbling to the surface of her thoughts now. After all, she didn’t need a man. No woman did, not really. And if her mum could survive and raise three kids solo, then Amy could manage to navigate the world as a single, independent woman, couldn’t she?
Except that the more time she spent with Tad, the more images began to form in her imagination, of how his skin would feel against hers if he took her hand, or how it would be if he hugged her, how much electricity would jolt through her if his lips touched hers…
Not that any of those thoughts mattered while she was working for Billie – and Amy wasn’t at all sure she fancied risking her emotions in that way again – she wasn’t sure she could face that. It hurt too much the last time.
Maybe the truth was she was confused by all three things. Her sadness at Nanna Gold’s passing, her frustrations about her job and the tug of loneliness she was trying her best to deny. All three were messing with her internal equilibrium.
Being somewhere so awesome should lift her spirits. Like Hugh had said, the mountains should be doing something positive to her soul. And yet, Amy wasn’t sure it was helping.
She decided to push the conversation back onto Tad, to give herself some breathing space. ‘How doyouthink it’s going, having Billie as a guest?’
‘Good, I think. She seems to be enjoying the lessons, wouldn’t you say?’
Amy nodded.
‘I wondered if you know how the article might shape up – for the newspaper? Whether Casa del Cibo is going to get a decent write-up.’ He swallowed. ‘OK, if I’m honest – I suppose I’m wondering ifI’mgoing to get a decent write-up.’
‘I know she has a fierce reputation, but she has mellowed a bit over the years. Promise. Plus, I’m the one who will work with the reporter to write up most of the copy. So, it’s me you should be more concerned about liking you.’
A beat of time passed; the grin she’d fixed on her lips slid away as she found herself unable to look away from him. Tad stared at her, too, and as Amy noticed again the way his hair flopped across one of his eyebrows, and the crinkles at the very corners of his eyes as he scrunched them against the brightening of the sun, she wondered how long they would maintain eye contact, and who would look away first. Before it could be him, she pretended to find fascination in her shoe, then glanced back at him, her own cheeks flushing with heat at her lack of transparency. She should fill Tad in on the rest of her conversation with Billie.
‘Actually, she was talking about the possibility of maybe getting the two of you a segment on a morning TV show, if the articles are a success. Started talking about Fanny Cradock. If you play your cards right, she was suggesting you could end up with your own show.’
‘She wants me to be Fanny Cradock?’ The lightness to his comment went some way to cover the sharpening of his focus.
‘Not exactly. And I’m not promising anything on her behalf, obviously. But she seemed particularly chuffed that you came and sat with her and Malcolm at breakfast this morning.’
There. She’d said it. She wanted to add how spiky she felt that he’d chosen to do so this morning, when she wasn’t at breakfast. Wanted to tell him how irrationally hurt she’d felt about it – but what would that achieve? It would make her sound pathetic and childish, when what she actually felt was a deep sense of disappointment, exacerbated by finding out he’d gone up the mountain with Billie, when the previous evening they’d been talking about hiking up here together.
Tad frowned, then shook his head. ‘You make it sound like it was a special thing. But I spent time at everyone’s tables. Always do on the mornings when there aren’t any lessons. And today I had some information to pass on to Kathleen about a couple of touristy things I thought she’d enjoy, and Ron and Laura wanted to know which pizzeria I would recommend in Riva. I showed them on a town map. Oh, and I finally remembered to bring out some sugar crystals to put on Hugh’s table. I don’thaveto do the “tour of the tables” as I call it, but I enjoy it. Once the food was out, I took an espresso and had a chat with everyone. That’s when Billie asked if I wanted to accompany them up here. It didn’t occur to me that you weren’t coming too. Just thought you wanted a bit of a lie-in first.’
‘Oh. I thought… Billie made it sound as though…’ Amy turned away, staring at the view again. Why had Billie made it sound as though Tad had made a special point of sitting at her table? Or had Amy simply interpreted it in that way?
‘If I’d known you weren’t going to be in the taxi with Billie and Malcolm, I wouldn’t have agreed. I’d have waited. We said we were going to do this together, but once I got to the taxi, I could hardly turn tail then, could I?’
‘I suppose not,’ Amy said, glancing at him. She pulled in a deep breath, suddenly wanting to know more about him. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Aye, of course you can.’
‘What happened to make you feel negative when you’re looking at a view like this?’ It may have seemed as though her question came out of the blue, but she wanted him to know she’d clocked his comment and, although she hadn’t asked in the moment, that she was interested in the why. She was interested in him, and what had come before, to make him the person he now was. ‘You don’t have to tell me, it’s just you seem to be so sorted, you know? Balanced and happy.’
‘Do I?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, that’s good to know.’ He sucked in a deep breath, his gaze scanning the mountaintops on the opposite side of the lake. ‘I lost someone very special, a few years ago now. She was…’ He shook his head. ‘Her name was Honor; I thought we were going to be together forever. And then she died.’
