The ground outside was blanketed with snow. It looked so beautiful it jolted her. She loved snow. It was like a fresh start. A blank canvas. Nature was extremely good at bouncing back, at resetting and going again. The seasons passed with little regard for plant or animal failures. Whatever survived became stronger, and whatever didn’t … didn’t.
The wheel turned, regardless.
Perhaps Dee should take a leaf out of nature’s book. She stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, trying to feel the strength all the disappointments should have furnished her with. Her features crumpled, and she looked away as her eyes brimmed with tears.
Maybe strength was a hope too far. Maybe that would come. Maybe what Dee needed was to take life an inch at a time, discover her place in it. Alone. Stand on her own two feet for once, rather than propping herself up, or looking for shelter provided by another person.
After a while, Dee washed the tears away and applied a face pack which she hoped would take the puffiness out of her skin. Once she was dressed, with makeup carefully applied, she was ready to take the first step.
Robbie’s cottage stood silent in the snow; Dee’s footsteps were muffled as she made her way down the pathway between the box hedging. Even the dogs remained quiet when she reached the garden, although she could hear them snuffling around in their kennels. She almost turned and ran, but caught herself in time. She was almost fifty. Women of fifty didn’t need to turn and run from anything. She could do this.
The knocker rapped loudly, a Dickensian sound in the stillness of the snow, and as the door opened Dee was almost thrown off-kilter by Robbie’s welcoming smile. A smile which gained in intensity as he told her she looked wonderful and gestured for her to step inside.
His words were so far away from what Dee was expecting, they almost sounded as if they came from underwater. He was unaware she knew about Jess, that was the logical reason. The smile began to fade and she made no move to enter the cottage.
‘I don’t want to come in, Robbie,’ she said. ‘I’ve come for my scarf, nothing more.’
‘What do you mean? Come away in, Dee, don’t be standing out there in the snow.’
‘I think I left it on a coat peg. Could you find it for me?’
He turned, headed back into the warm glow of his kitchen, but made no move to fetch her scarf. Annoyed, Dee followed him inside.
‘Kettle’s on if you want a brew,’ he said, his voice level and calm.
‘I just want my scarf.’ Why was he being so obtuse? ‘I need my scarf, Robbie …’ Her voice cracked, frustration bubbling to the surface.
‘Talk to me, Dee. What’s the matter? What’s happened?’
He turned his back on the range, leaning against it as he studied her. She shook her head, then crumpled.
‘I saw you.’
‘Saw me?’ He looked mystified.
‘At the castle, with Jess. You looked so right together. I just wanted to wish the two of you all the best.’
He frowned, then amusement began to claim the corners of his lips. His expression was driving her to distraction. ‘Me and Jess?’
‘You were hugging. In the kitchen. After the problem at the shoot. Surely you remember?’
‘Oh, aye. I popped up to make sure she was OK. Felt like a right idiot because all I could think of to take as an apology gift was a tin of Aunt Kitty’s shortbread. She was still upset, so I gave her a hug. Why? Did you think the two of us werehugginghugging?’
‘Weren’t you? It looked like you were, and I just wanted to tell you I think it’s great and I wish you all the best, but I think I should just take my scarf and go, and we should forget about the whole “being friends” thing, because I’m not sure it’s right, if you and she are—’
‘Dee. Stop.’ The amusement was gone from his face and his voice. ‘Stop for a moment and listen to me. I think Jess is a great girl—’
‘She is. And I think you’ll be very happy—’
‘Dee, let me finish. She’s a great girl, but she’s not the girl for me. She never will be.’ He took a seat at the table, gesturing for her to do the same. Dee sank into another chair, her gaze never leaving his as he leant forward, his expression serious. ‘Why do you think I stayed here, in the middle of nowhere, batting away my mother’s demands for me to find a lovely wee lass to settle down with?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I wanted to find a better way to tell you than this, to show you how I really feel. After all this time, I wanted it to be special.’
‘Wanted what to be special?’ Even as Dee said it, the expression on his face had understanding flooding her with an emotion she’d been doing her best to suppress.
Reaching across, he brushed the very tips of her fingers with his, the action loaded with intent. ‘This. Because I’m banking everything on the hope that – finally – you will be able to see why I stayed.’
